June

I did a stupid thing tonight. I do stupid things every night though. I was having a pretty bad day all day and I knew it was going to get worse tonight but I decided to be an idiot and make it even worse and harder for me. I'm starting to think that I actually enjoy being depressed. There's no other explanation for why I cant just stop. The stupid thing I did was remind myself of the past. from like, march to june specifically. I'm sorry that this really is what this blog has turned into. I have no other outlet and I might as well document how I'm really feeling.

June was the last time I was not depressed... Thats seriously messed up for me to think about that. There's been some good times between right now and June, but every single day I hit a point. A point that sends my mind into an explosion of... me... I guess. I just start to think and remember and ugh. Every single day it happens, I'm not lying.

June just was honestly perfect. I can not think of one negative thing about it other than the fact that it was the beginning of the end. So slowly things started declining in June and I didn't even see it coming. I was so sure that everything would stay perfect and I had nothing to worry about. By the time June ended, I knew things were going back to the way things were. My life hasn't even necessarily been bad. Like, I have amazing friends and family and I really shouldn't have as much to complain about as I do. But what I lost in June was something that I don't know how or when I'll find again. I want it back.