Cry Fest Continued.

I cry every single night. And I haven't even made it to the worst part yet.

It has always, and will always, be him.

Private now.. so.

Well I made this blog private... So I'm actually feeling like I'm writing in a Journal now, so this feels even more weird knowing that nobody will read this. But I had to make this blog private because my grandma and grandpa cant know I'm gay and I was scared a Ferguson would find this blog and I'd be cut out of the will. They aren't awful people. I love them, but I don't think they'd still love me.

This last month has been..... the worst. yeah, the worst I'd say.

I have honestly never experienced a more painful month of my life. Emotionally I guess, the Bar in my chest thing hurt...

But I broke up with Soren. I know in the past posts I just talk about how sure of him I am and how everything about our relationship is perfect but things just stopped being perfect in February. I don't know what it was but he just got so depressed and bored of his life here. He says it wasnt ME but just where he was. But it was me, and it just got me to thinking about him and how there is no way that this perfect human is so willingly able to commit himself to me for the rest of his life. He has so much that he needs to do and is going to become someone too amazing to stay tied down to someone like me.

I realized we both needed to grow up. My feelings for him have never changed. Not once. I love him now just as much as I always have. I don't think my feelings for him will ever go away, I really don't think they will. And I'm being honest with myself because nobody is going to read this damn blog. He is so amazing. I know that I got so lucky with him and the year that we were together was the best of my life. Not even saying that to sound cliche or to fit in with the rest of the people who say that. But I have never been happier than when I was with him.

I just wish we could fast forward our lives. I mean I still want to experience a bunch of crap but I want to just be 5 years from now. I want both of us to do what we need to do and just find each other again and to have eachother forever. I know we could have been ready if we met when we were both a little bit older. I hate how we both want to do so much because we just can't do those things together. As much as we say we want to, it would be destructive and one of us would always be feeling a slight sense of resentment.

I miss him so much. I have cried more in this last month than I have in the past 5 years. There is nothing that I want more than to just come to the ULTIMATE realization that I'm doing the WRONG thing. But I just know deep down in my heart that he needs this, and I need this, and this will be a good thing for both of us. I just think that we both need this. But that doesn't stop me from playing our last kiss in my head over and over again. Its such an awful feeling. Knowing that you can have the one thing you want more than anything, back in a single instant if you decided to. But the decision I made is the right one for now.