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Sunday, November 29, 2009

Made it This Far.

I started this blog almost exactly a year ago and I've spent 100 nights of this year thinking of things to post. Actually I never really had to think of what I'd post because being an emotional person decides for you. I am thankful for this blog though because it really does help me organize all the drama that my mind unnecessarily forces into my life. It also is nice to know that I have a few habitual readers. So thank you guys.


I thought it would be fun to do one of those survey things. 100 questions to mark the occasion. This is a celebration right? And I know you guys don't get enough of these via fbook or myspace. Here it goes. (I looked through a few of these surveys and this one was the least annoying.)

Are you scared of creepy creatures: Like freaky bugs and spiders yeah but only when the go crazy on my face and stuff.
Are you scared of cockroaches: Nope. I think its cool how they will not die.
Do you get scared in the dark? I used to. Like insanely. I couldn't fall asleep without the TV on or I wouldn't be able to get to sleep.
What is your favorite day of the week: Sunday
Your dream car: I love Doris, but I've always kind of wanted a Jeep or a Volvo. I'm not too into cars though.
Your dream vacation: Europe. Happening this May. Even though its like. school too I guess.
In your next birth, you would love to be: I...am not this religion. Whichever it is.
In your past birth, you must have been: Uh.... OH! like im guessing! ok uh... I must have been some sort of disturbed plant or animal.
Your favorite pizza topping is: Cheese. Sometimes BBQ Chicken.
How many kids do you want to have? 2 or 3.
Last TV channel you watched: Disney Channel. If any of you say anything negative about this ill find you.
What are you wearing right now? Scrubs i stole from surgery.
What do you wear at night in bed? ...The scrubs i stole from surgery.
Your favorite toy in childhood: This weird dinosaur plush doll that made the funniest noise when you squeezed it. Haha I haven't thought about that weird dinosaur forever.
How many teeth do you have? What the freak? A full set I guess. Minus my wisdom teeth.
When did you last visit the dentist? 6 months ago about. I should go again soon.
Which toothpaste do you use? : Uh, its orange. Its that foamy orange kind. Ugh, im too lazy to get up and read it. But its orange and foamy and the best.
Your preferred toilet paper brand : I used too. Then I moved out and only cared about cheap things when I grocery shop ha.
Three things you can do: Walk, Talk, Mop.
If you had one person to take with you on a deserted island, it would be?: Dont know.
Your dream celebrity date: Hahaha
Do you believe in aliens? : Not really. But I swear I saw some crazy unidentified object one night in flagstaff AZ. It made me consider it haha.
Do you believe in ghosts and such? Ghosts, meh. Spirits yeah. Same thing?
Favorite cocktail : Shrimp.
Favorite fruit : Applessss
Favorite flower : Sunflower
Have you puked at a party? Nooo.
You would love to get a tattoo done on your: on my NEVER!
Have you pretended to be sick to avoid someone or some meeting? : Yeah thats a dumb question every single human has.
Do you cry easily? No. But I've been crying a lot lately.
Do you swear a lot? Not a lot, just socially, at parties....(ellen joke)
Favorite body part in the opposite sex : Eyes. and Hair.
Corniest pickup line used by you on someone : I don't think I've ever used an actual pickup line.
Corniest pickup line someone used on you : My friends dared me to come over here and talk to you. So I had to. (not really corny, but freaking weird i think)
Have you ever been in love : I only know I've been in love once. I would doubt myself that it was actually me being in love or just me thinking I was in love, but I've never been in more emotional stress in my life because of it.
Are you still in love? : Yeah
Have you ever been caught in an embarrassing situation by your parents? : Hahaha I think the most embarrassing thing ive been caught doing is like, making some weird video with Berkeley and Michael when we were 12. We probably had weird stuff on our face or something stupid like that.
The food you hate to eat : Most fishy foods.
Your favorite breakfast cereal : Oh's or Golden Ghrams.. Grahms? Gramhssdse
Do you have any pets? : A cat at home. Cricket.
If yes, describe your pets : Long black hair. Tons of hair. Stubborn and so freaking annoying.
Which is your favorite holiday? : Christmas for sure.
Have you ever been drunk out of your mind? : No.
Ever been in a car accident? : three. but only one was my fault. and it was technically mckenzies fault. hahaha.
The boy band you secretly listen to : Most the bands I listen to have only boys in them? Stupid freaking survey.
The body part you would love to get pierced : None.
When did you last diet to lose weight? : Never. I've wanted to gain weight since I was 16.
What is the first thing you do in the morning when you wake up?: Get pissed and shower.
Do you read newspapers or books in the toilet? : Hahahaha no. But I will send an occasional text or two.
Are you in love with someone these days? : already asked this question stupid.
Would you date a hottie who is totally dumb? : No i dont think so.
Has anyone slapped you on the face? : HAHAHA yes! three of my friends. All three were legit times too. Berkeley's was the funniest.
What is the color of the underwear you are wearing? : Dark Blue....have you ever been alone in a crowded room? I say the world could be swimming till theres nothing but dark blueeeeee.
Which is your favorite underwear brand? : Hanes and Paul Frank.
What is your favorite denim brand? : I do not wear denim.
If you could afford a fashion designer, it would be : Seven or Diesl.
Your first cell phone was : This smalllll thing. I miss that phone.
Do you prefer to text or talk on the phone? : Talk to people I love. Text people I dont.
Are you a sensitive person? : Ex-freaking-tremely.
Would you go for a one night stand? : We need a mormon version of this survey.
The romantic movie you like most : I like Notting Hill. But I'm not a huge fan of most romantic movies.
The action movie you like most : I dont know ha.
Do you believe in heaven and hell? : Yeah.
Which is your most memorable trip with friends? : Trip to St. George with Cyd and Anna or my trip to Florida with Missy and Allie or my trip to Jersey to hang out with Brian.
Which newspaper do you read daily? : msn.com
The magazines you like to read : Ones in lines. People is as interesting as it gets.
Your first job was : Magleby's
Did you have a best friend in school? : Kelsea! Then again shes like my only friend at school.
Which email service do you use most? : hotmail.com!
Have you ever walked to save money? : nope.
Where do you shop for clothes? : Forever 21. Urban Outfitters. Nordstrom.
What was your pocket money as a kid? : the age you were. per week.
Can you talk to someone for long hours on the phone? : Yeah, a couple of people.
Do you like taking stupid surveys like these? : No but I did it for the sake of my boring blog.
If yes, do you have too much free time? : Why did my answer have to be yes? I Still have too much free time.
One memory you wish you could erase : A few. Not sure why this survey thinks I would just tell you.
Any sport, you are really good at : I'm way good at Ping Pong somehow. And Long/Snowboarding.
In your purse, you keep a photo of : No purse. Wallet. Movie Stubs and hotel keys.
Do you take any medicine daily? : Just two vitamins.
Have you ever lied about your age? : No. Ive never needed to.
The last person you kissed was : My phone.
The last country you visited : Mexico.
Do you need music while you are studying? : Yes. Its not possible unless I listen to it I promise.
A song you loved as a kid : the Bicycle song by Queen. And Baby Baby by Amy Grant :)
Any kiddie song you still remember : There was this song about this dog that was on this movie that scares the crap out of me to think about.
Habits you hate in others : Eating food weird. And breathing weird.
On a scale of one to ten how obnoxious is this survey? : SO FREAKING! But I've endured worse. So I'll give you a 9.
One habit of yours, you wish you could change?: Staying up too late.
Do you brush twice a day? : Yup. I'm a freak about my mouth.
How much time do you take to get ready in the morning? : Half hour. Shocked? You should be.
Are you a day person or a night person? : Night. Night night night ill kill the morning.
Your favorite cartoon character : Spongebob or Dori.
Have you made a complete fool of yourself anytime? : This is retarded of course i have.
Any word or sentence you repeat often : "Hahaha"
Describe your computer monitor : Picture of me cyd and anna at Topaz Mountain.
One book you are dying to read: Tuesdays with Mauri. However you spell maurri.
One movie you are dying to see : I'm excited for Alice in Wonderland.
One music album you are dying to hear : Relient K. It came out forever ago but i keep putting off buying it.
How much time did you take to complete this survey? : Wow. Between facebook chatting and answering these questions it did take me 40 minutes. thats sad.

Well i guess that was like. Kind of fun. I hope that wasnt as boring as I feel like it would be to read. I love you guys. Say hi to me. Things are still messed up.

HAPPY 100TH ENTRY MY DEAR DEAR BLOG!

Sunday, November 22, 2009

The Times

I noticed tonight that the things and decisions I make are shaping the good old days of my life. One day I will look back on the things that I am currently doing and I will be like, huh. I don't know if that 'huh' is a good 'huh' or a bad 'huh' as of now, because I feel like the activities that I occupy my free time with are good things. I believe that I'm trying to direct myself down a path that I'm happiest with. I could be wrong though. I probably am.


I am not a superstitious, but I'm a fan of positive thinking and hope. I also am a fan of luck. I don't have a lot of it, but why not avoid things that bring bad luck, and be hopeful with any goody lucky things that come your way?

I bought a dream catcher the other day at a Native American Pow Wow thing that my school was hosting because honestly the past week I have been having the worst long lasting nightmares. Seriously such disturbing and depressing things kept happening. (Honestly I'm convinced they are all a reflection of my current emotional state, so I'm blaming that.) You guys read my blog about that one bomb. It was a way weird dream, and they just started getting scarier and scarier. But hey, guess what, last night was my first night sleeping with a dream catcher above me and I had an actual GOOD dream. I remember it vividly and it was a very nice dream. Indians know cool stuff I tell you.

Also, I wish on the exact same thing every time I see a shooting star. It actually changed like 5 months or so ago. But it used to be that I would be happy. I wished that every single time I saw one and it took a while for it to happen, but it finally did, so I changed it. Eeeeven though the happiness is still something I struggle with. I'm just hoping this wish doesn't take as long.

One day I was driving down 9th East with my windows down one afternoon this fall and out of nowhere a leaf flew into my car from my passenger side and landed right onto the passengers seat. I hurried and rolled up my window because I didn't want it to fly away or get lost. I looked at the leaf and decided. Thats good luck. I cant even think of any time when I feel like that particular scene brought me any luck at all, but I want all of you to know (and feel free to pass it around) that when a leaf flies into your car while you're driving. I consider it to be good luck. That leaf is saved in my box of random things that I'm glad I have.

How does this all tie into my introduction to this blog you may be wondering? They don't really. Well, I wasn't trying to, but I guess they could tie together. Positive thinking and hoping for the best is all we can really do when we are going through all the crap that we go through. If I want to look back onto the times that I'm living right now, I don't want to remember this emo side of me that you're always reading about on this blog. So if you ever see a shooting star or make a wish on something that you think brings luck. That'd be cool of you to spare that wish and wish it on me, because I need it right now, and maybe it would help.


Sidenoteeeeeee. if you guys arent facebook friends with me, then you do not know about this video. So here you go my friends.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Shouting Outing.


I have to give a quick shout out to my Aunt Wendy for being an amazing aunt/person. She came to visit for the week and I didn't get to see her much but I'm thankful for all the love and support she gives me.


Also. Jeff and Kelsea are great people. I had a good Sunday today, and I'm grateful for it.

Its finally feeling like winter. Its helping.

Love you guys.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Sad AND Pathetic

There is a fine line between being sad, and being pathetic. I have come to the conclusion that this line is not a real line to me. Because I am clearly both.


I have been sad for. the last two months at least. I lost the direction I was heading in and went the wrong way. I lost who I was and I still cant find my way back. I'm losing everything. No matter how hard I want my life to be different, my determination and willingness just isn't enough. I cant keep feeling like this. I need sometime to change and I need to find it soon because honestly I'm headed back to therapy soon if I cant figure this out. And I do not want to go back to therapy.

You know. I know that I make a bigger deal of things than what is actually presented to me. There are things that I want to be different but I cant change where I am or where others are. I just cant and it kills me.

I know exactly what I want, but I just cant get it. I cant be where I want to be. And I cant go where I so desperately want to go.

These are problems I am supposed to have had when I was 17. I don't want to be hurting like this right now. I can't believe how pathetic I've allowed myself to become. I want to be stronger than this, I need to be or else I know I wont last much longer.

I'll keep trying and I'll keep positive. I just don't know how much longer I can keep pretending like I'm alright. Because believe it or not, my fellow readers of this blog, very VERY few people know how I'm really feeling. So feel proud, you know me a little better than the rest of the people in my world.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Easily the Craziest Dream of my Life.


I had the longest continuing dream I think i have ever had in my life last night. Usually the scene changes and the point of everything is lost and it becomes silly or scary or whatever. But this dream stayed exactly the same and it was the closest thing to being in a movie and it was cool. Kelsea keeps a dream journal so i figured one that i remembered so clearly would be a good one to document.


The first thing i remember was my family from Arizona came up to visit us. The people on my moms side of the family have money, so when they got word that Utah County was up to no good, they decided to purchase an atomic bomb haha. They bought it, and set it. At that point, i kind of thought, and was like. Wait. W'ere about to blow everything up here and cause an unthinkable amount of people to die! When i addressed this to my family they were like, oh. crap. uh...well. I guess we cant go back now. Maybe it will be okay?

I was outraged at my families decision and ran away. I called anna and asked what she was doing, she said she was just coming out from a drive up spanish fork canyon. I said perfect. Meet me at the mouth of it. She did and we hiked up a mile or so to the top of the canyon in this little sheltered area. I gave her the rap and she was weirdly okay with it. We sat and watched some small tv while we waited for it to happen. We were watching some local news network and then all the sudden it was just like woosh. and they were gone and we peeked over the mountain top and saw the mushroom cloud. 

We waited like two days because we had to wait for the smoke to clear but that was fast forwarded so it was alright, and we met up with this asian couple and we said, WHAT DID YOU DO WHEN THIS HAPPENED TO YOU?! And they said, Just DONT drink the rain! we made the mental note and proceeded to find a car.

We found a car full of gangster mexicans and said, can we drive this. And they said, yeah but it doesnt work. I tried once and it worked so that was nice. We drove ourselves to the walmart that we were pretty sure wasnt within the blast zone because we needed to get matress sheets hahaha. We got there and there was nobody there, so we bought a house up by where our hut was ha. We got back and we decided to try to call family and friends. We got ahold of cyd who's family was in London so they were all okay. Anna never tried to call anyone. I called my family and they were all like, oh yeah we're great, la la la. Then the rain came. So we screamed and ran for cover but we couldnt find anywhere to hide because the rain went through trees and metal so we had to find a bridge. We finally did but when we were safe i was like, YOU DIDNT DRINK ANY DID YOU ANNA! And she was like....Just a few drops! I was just so thirsty! So we have a whole freak out session and then we decide we need to go to the bookstore to find a cure to prevent you from getting sick from the radiation. 

The trip there wouldnt be so easy thistime because the freeway finally fell apart. So we had to pack food on our backs and walk there. We met up with a family of three and told them our story, and they said they were on their way to see if any good movies were playing. It was a respectable trek in our opinions. 

Then i got a text from anna that woke me up.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Emo Pic. Hallo

I know I already give anyone who reads this enough proof to be convinced of how Emo I am, and this picture isn't helping at all, but i saw it and I gave a FOR REAL laugh. I know.


My halloween wasnt extremely eventful. We were denim. Me cyd anna and drew. We were very nice denim. Anna was a gorilla... in denim. Drew was a monkey... in denim. Cyd was a dinosaur... in denim. and i was a substitute teacher... in denim. We watched some movies and yelled at some kids and stared at each other and stuff. It was good.

I...uh, am registered for school for spring semester. So thats a good thing. Once i finish next semester I'll be done with my freshman year AND some of my second year. dont make fun of me im aware ive been in school for almost two years.

I hate the haunting shows on Discovery. I like hobble creek trails. I will marry Hocus Pocus and my friends are great to me.