Moving...?

So I'm supposed to move to Seattle in January.

Here's the dilemma.

I am graduating with my associates degree at the end of this semester. So I was going to move to Seattle, go to the art school for a semester, move back for the summer then go back in the fall. So the problem with that, is I will be blowing a good 5,000 dollars.

So what I can do is finish my bachelors degree then move. I would save money, the hassle of moving, and all that crap. This way, when I move for real, I can just stay there.

I don't like the idea of staying here for so much longer though, but I really believe it would not be smart to move right now. Stupid.

Well. Hi iPad.

This is the first time thati I'm writing a blog from my iPad. I don't really like it as much but it has auto correct so that's a nice thing. My laptop finally died. It was sad. But mostly because I had written out a lot more in my book and I lost a bit of it. Also I had written out like 10 pages to kelsea park. I haven't sent her a single letter OR a birthday present for like 3 months and I feel awful about it. But yeah. Now I have this iPad and I'm fine with it.

I passed math and I don't want anyone to ask me how I did it because I don't want to talk about it. All I know is that I deserved to pass that class after spending 9 weeks at that satanic place. But I did it. And I'm happy about it.

Also! The other best news is the fact that I found NaturesCure for sale online so now I get to haveclear skin again! I am pretty sure I need to buy a lifetime supply though.

I just felt like. Blogging. I miss doing it sometimes.

I mean, why not.

I get such gratification from reading old blog posts on here. I love remembering those first years of being moved out. It's so crazy to think that I have already lived away from home for 3 years. I really don't feel old enough to have that kind of experience. But I guess I do.

The things happening in my life are not extremely different than what was happening before. I'm getting my associates degree in English Literature this semester so that will be good to finally have. Also Math ruined my life in a short Eight weeks. My math final is tomorrow and I'm so scared about it. If i don't pass then its 20 more hours of studying for me.

Kelsea is still gone and I still miss her. She's the worst. I'm so mad at her for leaving forever. I just miss her and want to hang out with her and just akdhsfkha. I'm happy she's happy out there, but I just miss her.

Friends is distracting me. I did the thing where I don't think about what I will blog about before I open this blank page and it gets me nowhere. I did a lot this month though!

Second week of october I spent it in the Bahamas with Soren and this passed weekend we spent it in Seattle! It was soooo much fun.

But i guess I want to do this more. I live in my mom's basement like every cool 21 year old does. And I sit on this bed for an hour before I go to sleep every night. So why not get out my journal feelings on here. Like good old days.

Be safe.

Bad guy.

I have hurt a lot of people.

I have made so many mistakes that it blows my mind that someone like me, who over-thinks EVERYTHING could make such stupid decisions. I honestly do my best to think out every possible consequence of my actions - extensively to a great amount.

But no matter how smart a decision may seem at the time, or how confident I can be in the choice I am making, I still somehow manage to overlook a route that my decision can take me in. Often times, it takes me straight down that route and so ridiculously fast.

I feel terrible for the things I have done to the boy I love. The one person I have been confident in giving my heart to. But I also feel so angry at myself for hurting other people along the way.

I used to be the person who felt like they had nothing. I was so affected by the way that I perceived myself to be that I made a promise to myself to be the person that everyone needed me to be. I would always give attention to those who needed it and I was a sincere friend to everyone who had showed me their own sincerity. Somewhere along the way, I started to see something in myself that gave me the confidence to overlook these flaws and I began to see myself on a higher pedestal. I no longer felt strained for affection. For some reason. This caused me to break my silent vow in such a twisted way. I still genuinely care for everyone who deserves it or needs it. I really do have a good heart with good intentions. People think its in a manipulative way but I honestly value other peoples happiness well above my own. But at some point, I started to mess up and I lost control of my life and I started messing with the people around me. Its not fair that someone as stupid and unimportant as me could have such a deep and hurtful affect on anyone. It kills me, it really does, to think about causing anyone emotional pain. Because I've been there. I was there for 4 years. Crying myself to sleep on a regular basis. Having anxiety attacks that kept me awake at night because I was so scared to go to school the next day. I cant be someone that hurts good people because I am not worth it.

It just sucks thinking about the people I have had to hurt to get where I really feel like I need to be. Soren is the single most important thing in my life and I would be lost without him. So I'm thankful for the reassurance that I have not been wasting my time, even if it means hurting some people along the way.

You must give up the life you planned in order to have the life that is waiting for you.

-Joseph Campbell

still.

I cant sleep, anddddd I can't function.

I'm messing everything up. And I don't even know if I'm making a single right decision. Everything feels so wrong but I keep believing that I'm being the bigger man and taking the high road or whatever. I hate that I know that I won't stop feeling like this for a long time, and I know it will just keep getting worse and worse until finally it starts to get better somehow.

I will never stop loving that boy.

Cry Fest Continued.

I cry every single night. And I haven't even made it to the worst part yet.

It has always, and will always, be him.

Private now.. so.

Well I made this blog private... So I'm actually feeling like I'm writing in a Journal now, so this feels even more weird knowing that nobody will read this. But I had to make this blog private because my grandma and grandpa cant know I'm gay and I was scared a Ferguson would find this blog and I'd be cut out of the will. They aren't awful people. I love them, but I don't think they'd still love me.

This last month has been..... the worst. yeah, the worst I'd say.

I have honestly never experienced a more painful month of my life. Emotionally I guess, the Bar in my chest thing hurt...

But I broke up with Soren. I know in the past posts I just talk about how sure of him I am and how everything about our relationship is perfect but things just stopped being perfect in February. I don't know what it was but he just got so depressed and bored of his life here. He says it wasnt ME but just where he was. But it was me, and it just got me to thinking about him and how there is no way that this perfect human is so willingly able to commit himself to me for the rest of his life. He has so much that he needs to do and is going to become someone too amazing to stay tied down to someone like me.

I realized we both needed to grow up. My feelings for him have never changed. Not once. I love him now just as much as I always have. I don't think my feelings for him will ever go away, I really don't think they will. And I'm being honest with myself because nobody is going to read this damn blog. He is so amazing. I know that I got so lucky with him and the year that we were together was the best of my life. Not even saying that to sound cliche or to fit in with the rest of the people who say that. But I have never been happier than when I was with him.

I just wish we could fast forward our lives. I mean I still want to experience a bunch of crap but I want to just be 5 years from now. I want both of us to do what we need to do and just find each other again and to have eachother forever. I know we could have been ready if we met when we were both a little bit older. I hate how we both want to do so much because we just can't do those things together. As much as we say we want to, it would be destructive and one of us would always be feeling a slight sense of resentment.

I miss him so much. I have cried more in this last month than I have in the past 5 years. There is nothing that I want more than to just come to the ULTIMATE realization that I'm doing the WRONG thing. But I just know deep down in my heart that he needs this, and I need this, and this will be a good thing for both of us. I just think that we both need this. But that doesn't stop me from playing our last kiss in my head over and over again. Its such an awful feeling. Knowing that you can have the one thing you want more than anything, back in a single instant if you decided to. But the decision I made is the right one for now.

Picking a title is the dumbest part about blogging

I love driving when it has just barely rained and everything is wet but there is no rain happening. And your windshield is wiped clean or your car is dry because its been in a garage or something because then the world looks perfect while you drive by it. I love street lamps that aren't florescent especially because the yellowish color that reflects off the road is the best. The air looks perfectly clean and crisp and the low clouds in the sky reflect off of the city lights and it makes them that nice faded pink color. It's just a great time to be driving even when its cold because you can still roll down the windows and turn the heat up and listen to music, thats a perfect feeling too. But it really is the best when it just rained at night in the summer and it stops. Because walking outside in that is easily one of my top 5 favorite things on my list of likes.

I want to be driving on a pretty road with lots of trees and yellow street lamps right after it has rained with the windows down and the heat up, listening to perfect music really late at night so there are no cars visible from any direction with the one I love. And if we're really going for ideal then it would be nice if the moon was reflecting off a lake that we were driving along. That would be a perfect moment. Not one of those perfect moments where you just feel like everything is perfect, but the kind of perfect moment that every moment before and after would have a hard time competing against.

This is the best picture I could find without having to look through pictures for a long time. This is an arcade along the Jersey Shore and we walked on the boardwalk on the beach and I just loved it.

Stuff.

I'm going to start doing stuff.

I don't know what kind of stuff or even if that stuff will be stuff worth doing but I really want to force myself to apply my skills better. I know that I'm capable of things and it's worth getting involved because right now I feel like I'm kind of floating by watching everything happen that I want to be doing. I know I will be doing more once I get to California but there are things I can be doing right now at UVU or like... atttttt somewhere!

I want to volunteer at a hospital for kids or like, hang out with cancer patients or something! I can just be doing more and I'm sick of just talking about doing stuff that I know I can do.

That, and we're going to make more friends. We still haven't forgotten about our new years resolution.

CASSIE!!!

I had such a good day today! Kate didn't wake me up as early as I thought she would and I'm so thankful for that haha so my day started out right.

I got to work at 12:30 and the whole time I was just so prepared for my 5 hour shift I didn't even care at all that I was there I was just happy and it was me and Catie and Sierra and we ordered a pizza to be delivered to us and the pizza man was super confused and I ate it all and I was so happy about that and then I went home and felt tired and sore so I just watched tv but then I was like.. I should run.

So I ran but I felt like I wanted to sprint today so I decided to run only one mile but as fast as I could so I ran at a 7.7 because an 8 will just kill you. Ran and ran and just BARELY made the mile in under 8 minutes. So proud of myself because seriously I don't remember if I was ever capable of that.

So then I called Cassie and asked if I could take her and Amanda to get sonic because I miss them a lot sometimes and we just talked about everything and talked for so long and I loved it and I like them so much.

It was as good as awful Thursdays could ever be because usually I hate thursdays because all I want out of them is for it to be over so it can be the weekend.

Still learning.

I learned a lot of things tonight... and over the past 9 months.

I learned that I had some shell shock when it came to the effects of turning 21.

I need to communicate my feelings better because my selflessness and people pleasing just isn't good for me. I want to help people and make them happy but I don't need to take it upon myself to make sure everything is perfect.

Things aren't always going to be perfect and that's okay. We need imperfect and boring times to recognize all the amazing ones.

I worry... wayyyy too much but I think I'm very gradually getting better!

I'm learning a lot about myself but I'm nowhere near figuring me out completely.

We need more friends, we love our friends but more are needed.

We HAVE to get out of Utah as soon as possible.

I want to be as good of a version of the real me as possible. The version that isn't compromised by the way I want people to perceive me. To be the real me and know that I will still be loved.

I need to grow up just a little. I think a lot of the things I need to learn are linked to too many insecurities that are attached to the opinion I had of myself in High School. Being gay and hiding yourself like that for so long had some affects on me and I need to let go of it all.

I've also learned that I have someone who loves me unconditionally. I somehow found a person who sees all my flaws and helps me through them and either shows me how to work through them or embraces them as a part of me. I will do better. For him AND for myself. Things will change as time goes by and our relationship will take different steps but I know that I can be with him forever if he's willing to keep tolerating everything that he has already. He is teaching me more about life and how to move passed everything I just listed and is so patient with me. It's amazing to me.

Life is great. I will learn things.

It... Happened!

Alright, I've posted 142 times and in those posts I talk about being sad and not knowing why, and or about being way happy but the people reading never know why. Well here's the answer to all of our questions. Sad because I was gay and unhappy. Happy because I was gay and the happiest.

I turned 21 on monday and I'm just old and I'm just sick of lying and hiding because no matter who knew about me I still couldn't really be me always anywhere I wanted to be because my family didn't know. Last sunday I told my little brother I was gay and it just felt good. He was so great about it and it just motivated me to tell my mom who I was most worried about telling.

On friday I was thrown a Surprise Birthday party. Something nobody has ever done for me. Going through all that trouble was amazing to me. Then on Saturday I spent the day in Salt Lake at an Aviary then Dinner. Then my real birthday I got to wake up my favorite way and was given the most amazing present anyone has given me. It was honestly the most perfect birthday I have ever had and I too damn old to care if people know why it was perfect. It's not fair for me to say I'm in love with someone and keep him hidden just because he's a 'him'.

This last year there has been the longest streak of happiness and every blog I've written talking about me being happy is because of him. I was just too scared for people to see things and for those people to run and go tell my parents. I just don't care anymore. We've been together for 9 months and I'm still so in love with him. I am so set on this decision to be with him and I never want it to end.

I told my mom about us yesterday and she understands how unhappy I have been in the past and she sees how happy I have been this last year. She told me she's just happy that he makes me happy and I loved that. I think almost everyone has been able to see the change in me over the last year and for almost every single person in my life to know about us feels so good that they see its because of him. I love him, and hiding him was worse than hiding myself. He's the most important thing in my life and now I was able to prove it. and ugh. it just feels so good.

I can't wait to see how this changes things for the better. I know it's going to be an adjustment but it makes me excited.

Roommate...s

I used to talk a lot about the roommate section of my life. I guess it's because I had just moved out and the roommate dynamic was the only interesting thing that was going on. But once you grow up its just another thing. Lets recap on the life and times of roommates past.

In the beginning there was Jason and Ben. Ben was 26 and was into W.o.W. He was a training nurse and had no life so he was never home, and if he WAS home he was with his wayyyy scary friend playing world of warcraft in his room. aaand Jason.. Oh Jason. Bless his heart. He was a good 200 pounds and owned a gun. My friends liked him because he grew up in Alaska. But he had zero friends and was just flat out awkward and did not have much of a life. But he fixed my phone once! Which I am still thankful for.

I lived with them for 6 months, then Ben got a life and new friends so he moved out with cooler people. I had my hopes up for a fun nice roommate but in the end Jason comes and tells me "My friend from alaska is moving in. He got home from his mission a week ago and is pretty interesting." He was an awful human who was named... something. I cant remember. He was awful though and having such crappy roommates forced me to move out. I hated being home, and I hated them.

So now we are to Morgan. We weren't friends for the first month but then we started watching tv together and actually got along well. We became real life friends even. It was weird. We'd do late night mcdonalds runs and he actually had cool friends that we would hang out with. We even drove to Vegas together once. He was cool, but he really wanted to be Rob Dyrdek which I hated about him. And he looked seriously the worst with his shirt off because he has freaking blood veins all over and he did it a lot. Worst.

So someone bought the contract to that new apt and I had to move into a new one. I started out with David and Filipe. Both of them kept to themselves and did nothing all day all the time. Filipe found a girl and got married fast and David dated this midget asian girl. He was really nice though and he still helps me out with electronic stuff if I need it. So after Filipe moved out we got another ethnic to take his spot. Mr. Moses. His first name is moses, his last name is Lugo. And then david moved and now I have winston. Moses is never here and Winston is a normal human who likes cage fighting...

This was awful and the most boring and I don't know why I felt like writing it but I sure did.

I drive a Hyundai Sonata now. Still doesnt have a name and I already cracked the bumper by backing out into a truck.

It's because I named him Chase.

January 21st:

New car purchased : $12,700

January 23rd:

New tires: $300

Janaury 24th:

Tinting Windows and Headlights: $200

February 9th:

Busted electrical system: $1,200

June 16th:

New Break Pads: $800

August 20th:

New Fuel Pump: $300

October 7th:

Tire Blowout: $300

January 18th... One. freaking. year. later...:

Messed up alignment and words I don't remember and shit: $1,400

Worst car, worst year for money to exist. F you Chase. F you seriously so much of that F... You were the worst car and I will not miss you and you're ugly too.

Worst.

Thank you everyone for making me happy today. You're all ridiculously important to me.

This weekend was great. Park City and just Fantastic Mr. Fox and fun and good. I'm so lucky to have so many more Up moments in my life than Down.

Look. Proof.

This is what I posted on January 6th of 2010.

I know this is going to be a better year. This year has started out awesome for me and I just have such a good feeling. I feel like things are going to still happen and there might be some crappy parts, but I just know that this year is going to be a million times better than last year. Thats all I have to say on the matter haha.

I hope new years was good and I hope you're all good. Its going to be good everyone. 2010... be nice.

If you weren't reading the posts below this one you should know that I've been so happy. The happiest. I can't believe it but I was dead on with my prediction.

The year started perfect and ended perfect. There were some crappy parts but it was easily a million times better than last year, and all the 19 years that came before it. It was the best most important year of my life. I have experienced and learned some of the most valuable things that I know I needed to experience. They all happened when they did for a reason and I KNOW that I have what I have for a reason.

I went to Georgia. I went to New York. I went to LA with my best friends. I lived in London for 6 weeks. I stood on the Eiffel Tower in Paris. I walked the shores of Ireland. I rode trains throughout Scotland. But by far the most vital thing that happened to me, the one thing that I would trade all of those experiences for is when I fell in love.

2010.. good job, and thank you for being nice.