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Saturday, August 27, 2011

Bad guy.

I have hurt a lot of people.


I have made so many mistakes that it blows my mind that someone like me, who over-thinks EVERYTHING could make such stupid decisions. I honestly do my best to think out every possible consequence of my actions - extensively to a great amount.

But no matter how smart a decision may seem at the time, or how confident I can be in the choice I am making, I still somehow manage to overlook a route that my decision can take me in. Often times, it takes me straight down that route and so ridiculously fast.

I feel terrible for the things I have done to the boy I love. The one person I have been confident in giving my heart to. But I also feel so angry at myself for hurting other people along the way.

I used to be the person who felt like they had nothing. I was so affected by the way that I perceived myself to be that I made a promise to myself to be the person that everyone needed me to be. I would always give attention to those who needed it and I was a sincere friend to everyone who had showed me their own sincerity. Somewhere along the way, I started to see something in myself that gave me the confidence to overlook these flaws and I began to see myself on a higher pedestal. I no longer felt strained for affection. For some reason. This caused me to break my silent vow in such a twisted way. I still genuinely care for everyone who deserves it or needs it. I really do have a good heart with good intentions. People think its in a manipulative way but I honestly value other peoples happiness well above my own. But at some point, I started to mess up and I lost control of my life and I started messing with the people around me. Its not fair that someone as stupid and unimportant as me could have such a deep and hurtful affect on anyone. It kills me, it really does, to think about causing anyone emotional pain. Because I've been there. I was there for 4 years. Crying myself to sleep on a regular basis. Having anxiety attacks that kept me awake at night because I was so scared to go to school the next day. I cant be someone that hurts good people because I am not worth it.

It just sucks thinking about the people I have had to hurt to get where I really feel like I need to be. Soren is the single most important thing in my life and I would be lost without him. So I'm thankful for the reassurance that I have not been wasting my time, even if it means hurting some people along the way.