There is a fine line between being sad, and being pathetic. I have come to the conclusion that this line is not a real line to me. Because I am clearly both.
I have been sad for. the last two months at least. I lost the direction I was heading in and went the wrong way. I lost who I was and I still cant find my way back. I'm losing everything. No matter how hard I want my life to be different, my determination and willingness just isn't enough. I cant keep feeling like this. I need sometime to change and I need to find it soon because honestly I'm headed back to therapy soon if I cant figure this out. And I do not want to go back to therapy.
You know. I know that I make a bigger deal of things than what is actually presented to me. There are things that I want to be different but I cant change where I am or where others are. I just cant and it kills me.
I know exactly what I want, but I just cant get it. I cant be where I want to be. And I cant go where I so desperately want to go.
These are problems I am supposed to have had when I was 17. I don't want to be hurting like this right now. I can't believe how pathetic I've allowed myself to become. I want to be stronger than this, I need to be or else I know I wont last much longer.
I'll keep trying and I'll keep positive. I just don't know how much longer I can keep pretending like I'm alright. Because believe it or not, my fellow readers of this blog, very VERY few people know how I'm really feeling. So feel proud, you know me a little better than the rest of the people in my world.
5 comments:
it's not pathetic if you can't help it..
just.. frustrating, really. :(
Sweetie I so desperately want to help in some small way. I know I don't know the whole story but believe it or not, I have been where you are. Follow your heart and listen to the spirit is the best advice I can give. I love you so very much.
I don't know if you are interested in receiving advice from an old man, but here it is anyway. You are 19 years old and currently have one foot in being a teenager and the other in becoming a man. It is frusterating and scary trying to drag that other foot into manhood. Black moods and short stents of depression are normal. This too shall pass. You are at a point in your life were you are building your basic character that will be your foundation for the rest of your life. I was 24 and in the Army Officer Candidate School when I heard the following speach and took it as my guiding principle.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SgqSI1BESVE
The talk by Gen. MacAuthur was to Military Officers but applicable to everyone.
You'll be okay... in time. Just keep your head up, even when it hurts, and be strong. You can make it through anything.
hey gav. got your blog off wendy's facebook! hang in there. and you know I'm here. for anything. I love you.
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