Third annual christmas blog

This is the first time I have written a blog on this computer. I always do it on my laptop but I mean why not do this here and now since I am right here, now.

I used to freak out about having a great christmas. I wanted the next one to always match the previous one. I wanted the Clayson's to always show up 45 minutes late to dinner. I wanted my dads scavenger hunt to always have weirder and weirder clues that lead to obvious areas of our house. Then I wanted us to all just sit there while Ed read the nativity story. I always cared a lot about christmas eve happening this way. Christmas was way too important to me I think. I wouldn't be upset if I didn't get what I wanted. I would be upset if traditions were messed with. So last Christmas was super weird because Logan was away at rehab so I already felt weird about that change. But this year, my parents got separated in February, divorced in May, my mom got re-married in December, and my dad is getting married in 20 days. So spending Christmas Eve without the Clayson's, and plus 5 people who I only met a month ago was just hard.

I'm not sure if you are one of the few that know but I have periods that last one or two days sometimes, I would say once every six weeks. I don't mean this in a literal physical experience, but emotionally... I don't bleed...

But these past two days. They were so long and it was so sad to just let go of something that I had to look forward too for 18 years. Honestly we have done the exact same traditions for that long. and my dad. I know he has Neva but it kills me. He sees what has happened to our family and he says its all for the best but I honestly feel like both of my parents wish they would have worked things out. It might be buried deep down inside of them but I have heard it. I heard my mom say out of her mouth the day before she started talking to Eric. "I would work things out if he tried hard enough." I don't know what my dad wasn't doing or what he WAS doing but I just know that my mom wishes we could have all just stayed happy but maybe nothing would have changed. I really don't know and I guess we cant know and you can never know someone else's love for another. I need my parents to remember that one day so all I can do is wish them luck and be happy for them both no matter how hard this is for US because I don't know how they are or what they are thinking. It's probably hard for them too on another level that I just can't understand. Anyway, my dad was just so great last night. He still did the scavenger hunt for it down at his condo in AF and it was still so great with his weird poems and he still did his best to show as much normalcy as he could even though he wasn't feeling well and he probably needed to rest. He's just trying so hard not to lose us and it breaks my heart because he knows that we are all at my mom's 90% of the time. I'm just glad he at least has Neva this Christmas. That would have been so much harder without her there to take care of him.

I know next year will be better. and all the ones following it. I just needed these two days to end and I just need to wake up and breathe tomorrow because my period is over and these tears are happening now so they don't happen over something stupid later.

I know things could be worse and harder, I need to keep reminding myself of that. Hayden's girlfriend... freaking. her dad died six months ago from brain cancer and her little sister died three months ago in a car accident. It's seriously JUST her and her mom at home and I can't even imagine how these two days must have been. I need to put things like this into perspective because I can handle these things and I can turn them around into a brighter picture. I know that I am capable of doing so and if Marnie could smile all day today with my family and step siblings while remembering what she would have been doing if those things didn't happen to her this year then I can get over my desire to keep things the same and realize that christmas can keep its meaning but be celebrated a different way.

I just know that I needed to have what I have in order to have made it through this Christmas. I'm so lucky and grateful.

Longest rant. Needed it all out. Sorry.

I hope you had a good christmas!