CASSIE!!!

I had such a good day today! Kate didn't wake me up as early as I thought she would and I'm so thankful for that haha so my day started out right.

I got to work at 12:30 and the whole time I was just so prepared for my 5 hour shift I didn't even care at all that I was there I was just happy and it was me and Catie and Sierra and we ordered a pizza to be delivered to us and the pizza man was super confused and I ate it all and I was so happy about that and then I went home and felt tired and sore so I just watched tv but then I was like.. I should run.

So I ran but I felt like I wanted to sprint today so I decided to run only one mile but as fast as I could so I ran at a 7.7 because an 8 will just kill you. Ran and ran and just BARELY made the mile in under 8 minutes. So proud of myself because seriously I don't remember if I was ever capable of that.

So then I called Cassie and asked if I could take her and Amanda to get sonic because I miss them a lot sometimes and we just talked about everything and talked for so long and I loved it and I like them so much.

It was as good as awful Thursdays could ever be because usually I hate thursdays because all I want out of them is for it to be over so it can be the weekend.

Still learning.

I learned a lot of things tonight... and over the past 9 months.

I learned that I had some shell shock when it came to the effects of turning 21.

I need to communicate my feelings better because my selflessness and people pleasing just isn't good for me. I want to help people and make them happy but I don't need to take it upon myself to make sure everything is perfect.

Things aren't always going to be perfect and that's okay. We need imperfect and boring times to recognize all the amazing ones.

I worry... wayyyy too much but I think I'm very gradually getting better!

I'm learning a lot about myself but I'm nowhere near figuring me out completely.

We need more friends, we love our friends but more are needed.

We HAVE to get out of Utah as soon as possible.

I want to be as good of a version of the real me as possible. The version that isn't compromised by the way I want people to perceive me. To be the real me and know that I will still be loved.

I need to grow up just a little. I think a lot of the things I need to learn are linked to too many insecurities that are attached to the opinion I had of myself in High School. Being gay and hiding yourself like that for so long had some affects on me and I need to let go of it all.

I've also learned that I have someone who loves me unconditionally. I somehow found a person who sees all my flaws and helps me through them and either shows me how to work through them or embraces them as a part of me. I will do better. For him AND for myself. Things will change as time goes by and our relationship will take different steps but I know that I can be with him forever if he's willing to keep tolerating everything that he has already. He is teaching me more about life and how to move passed everything I just listed and is so patient with me. It's amazing to me.

Life is great. I will learn things.

It... Happened!

Alright, I've posted 142 times and in those posts I talk about being sad and not knowing why, and or about being way happy but the people reading never know why. Well here's the answer to all of our questions. Sad because I was gay and unhappy. Happy because I was gay and the happiest.

I turned 21 on monday and I'm just old and I'm just sick of lying and hiding because no matter who knew about me I still couldn't really be me always anywhere I wanted to be because my family didn't know. Last sunday I told my little brother I was gay and it just felt good. He was so great about it and it just motivated me to tell my mom who I was most worried about telling.

On friday I was thrown a Surprise Birthday party. Something nobody has ever done for me. Going through all that trouble was amazing to me. Then on Saturday I spent the day in Salt Lake at an Aviary then Dinner. Then my real birthday I got to wake up my favorite way and was given the most amazing present anyone has given me. It was honestly the most perfect birthday I have ever had and I too damn old to care if people know why it was perfect. It's not fair for me to say I'm in love with someone and keep him hidden just because he's a 'him'.

This last year there has been the longest streak of happiness and every blog I've written talking about me being happy is because of him. I was just too scared for people to see things and for those people to run and go tell my parents. I just don't care anymore. We've been together for 9 months and I'm still so in love with him. I am so set on this decision to be with him and I never want it to end.

I told my mom about us yesterday and she understands how unhappy I have been in the past and she sees how happy I have been this last year. She told me she's just happy that he makes me happy and I loved that. I think almost everyone has been able to see the change in me over the last year and for almost every single person in my life to know about us feels so good that they see its because of him. I love him, and hiding him was worse than hiding myself. He's the most important thing in my life and now I was able to prove it. and ugh. it just feels so good.

I can't wait to see how this changes things for the better. I know it's going to be an adjustment but it makes me excited.

Roommate...s

I used to talk a lot about the roommate section of my life. I guess it's because I had just moved out and the roommate dynamic was the only interesting thing that was going on. But once you grow up its just another thing. Lets recap on the life and times of roommates past.

In the beginning there was Jason and Ben. Ben was 26 and was into W.o.W. He was a training nurse and had no life so he was never home, and if he WAS home he was with his wayyyy scary friend playing world of warcraft in his room. aaand Jason.. Oh Jason. Bless his heart. He was a good 200 pounds and owned a gun. My friends liked him because he grew up in Alaska. But he had zero friends and was just flat out awkward and did not have much of a life. But he fixed my phone once! Which I am still thankful for.

I lived with them for 6 months, then Ben got a life and new friends so he moved out with cooler people. I had my hopes up for a fun nice roommate but in the end Jason comes and tells me "My friend from alaska is moving in. He got home from his mission a week ago and is pretty interesting." He was an awful human who was named... something. I cant remember. He was awful though and having such crappy roommates forced me to move out. I hated being home, and I hated them.

So now we are to Morgan. We weren't friends for the first month but then we started watching tv together and actually got along well. We became real life friends even. It was weird. We'd do late night mcdonalds runs and he actually had cool friends that we would hang out with. We even drove to Vegas together once. He was cool, but he really wanted to be Rob Dyrdek which I hated about him. And he looked seriously the worst with his shirt off because he has freaking blood veins all over and he did it a lot. Worst.

So someone bought the contract to that new apt and I had to move into a new one. I started out with David and Filipe. Both of them kept to themselves and did nothing all day all the time. Filipe found a girl and got married fast and David dated this midget asian girl. He was really nice though and he still helps me out with electronic stuff if I need it. So after Filipe moved out we got another ethnic to take his spot. Mr. Moses. His first name is moses, his last name is Lugo. And then david moved and now I have winston. Moses is never here and Winston is a normal human who likes cage fighting...

This was awful and the most boring and I don't know why I felt like writing it but I sure did.

I drive a Hyundai Sonata now. Still doesnt have a name and I already cracked the bumper by backing out into a truck.