tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-622732916795536602024-02-20T08:31:13.553-08:00Mind Without MatterSupported SanityGavinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00774623365203808770noreply@blogger.comBlogger152125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-62273291679553660.post-79447551957151964412014-03-27T01:07:00.003-07:002014-03-27T01:07:58.930-07:00Weird.I don't blog anymore. But this time of year I always think of this blog and how much I used to love writing in it. Its a big nostalgia thing and I'm probably the biggest fan of nostalgia. I'm always talking in the past. I really think I suck at living in the present because as soon as something has happened I dwell on it long enough to forget about what is happening right here and now. Probably a problem, probably don't care haha.<br />
<br />
Well I felt like writing this in here because I did something that I would have written about five years ago. Tonight my friend Lindsey turned 23 so the night went as follows.<br />
<br />
Her boyfriend had her up until 10 but I didn't care because I knew he would get to have her and tomorrow is her real birthday so I mostly needed to make sure I would have her at midnight because for the last three years we have done this thing where we dance and sing to Taylor Swift as it turns midnight and I'll never know how or why it happened but it just does. So I went to Albertsons and bought her Cadberry Caramel chocolates that we first discovered when we were in London together and since shes on a diet so I got her diet coke for the drive and the rest of her present I just bought her a shiz ton of Altoids because she has a boyfriend.<br />
<br />
I wanted to pretend that we were going on a road trip with all of these things because we were supposed to go to Disneyland for her spring break but that just didn't work out. And I told her what the plan was and it was that five years ago pretty much exactly, I had this emotional breakdown, freaking out about gay stuff, my mission, and my life basically. I told her that I went on this exact drive and just cried until I came to the south west side of Utah Lake and cried more and decided that I was done with the crap I had put up with the year before and what I was going to do the next year. So I brought roman candles, and paper. On all of the pieces of paper we wrote things we were going to stop doing, and things about ourself that are negative and my goal was for us to shoot the roman candles at the papers while shouting Harry Potter curses at them. It had just rained so everything looked awesome and the twilight that was cast over us from the lights across the lake made for a dang good setting for harry potter crap to go down. But when we shot the roman candles at our pieces of paper we found out that we would lose against dementors and dark wizards because we did not hit a single piece of paper. There were 10 pages all lined up in a row and we didn't hit a single one haha. So we just shot roman candles over the lake shouting things instead because that looks cooler and theres less stress. Then it started to rain so we danced to some pre taylor jams and tried lighting the pieces of paper on fire instead but they were too wet so we decided that letting them rot under the rain was sufficient enough.<br />
<br />
Then we went on the road that I took that one night five years ago and we talked about all the things that went down during the last year and just kind of talked through all of it until I brought us to these orchards that I've always loved but was too scared to stop at. I think anna and I stopped once, but people were out collecting the fruit in them so I never got to hang out. But it is a wednesday night at 11:30 so Nobody gave a crap. There was a path that divided hundreds of trees, kind of like the path that couples stand in while taking bridals, actually exactly like that but there wasnt a dirt path it was just lush green grass and everything was wet but it wasnt raining so I angled my car so that my brights lit up the path and we blasted Taylor and walked down it. There was tons of lighting from the clouds so it was way cool. It just looked pretty perfect so we decided that she would turn 23 right there. We just walked around until 11:58 and blasted Taylors "22" song and somehow we ended up in our underwear but we were screaming and dancing so it wasn't cold when you could see our breath like crazy. It was so perfect. We thought we were too tired but we were dead wrong because shuffle kept playing and we just screamed and danced for two more songs.<br />
<br />
So after that we finished the drive on the road I took and did not stop to talk for another half hour we just screamed taylor songs out the window and danced and honestly I don't think I was being safe at all. A lot of things could have killed us now that I think about it but whatever. We found the nearest McDonalds, went and looked at the Payson Temple that is under construction which is perfect. And then we just listened to taylor until 1:30 until I dropped her off. All I know is that it was perfect and too many things about it reminded me of how perfect Lindsey is and I'm just happy she likes being stupid and dumb with me because I don't know how many more years I'll be lucky enough to have so many single girlfriends.<br />
<br />
Don't know if I'll keep posting on here. It feels pretty weird.Gavinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00774623365203808770noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-62273291679553660.post-76062695501777215712011-11-21T22:14:00.000-08:002011-11-21T22:21:06.497-08:00Moving...?So I'm supposed to move to Seattle in January.<div><br /></div><div>Here's the dilemma.</div><div><br /></div><div>I am graduating with my associates degree at the end of this semester. So I was going to move to Seattle, go to the art school for a semester, move back for the summer then go back in the fall. So the problem with that, is I will be blowing a good 5,000 dollars. </div><div><br /></div><div>So what I can do is finish my bachelors degree then move. I would save money, the hassle of moving, and all that crap. This way, when I move for real, I can just stay there.</div><div><br /></div><div>I don't like the idea of staying here for so much longer though, but I really believe it would not be smart to move right now. Stupid. </div>Gavinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00774623365203808770noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-62273291679553660.post-67069788553930786942011-11-14T00:15:00.000-08:002011-11-14T00:24:25.896-08:00Well. Hi iPad.This is the first time thati I'm writing a blog from my iPad. I don't really like it as much but it has auto correct so that's a nice thing. My laptop finally died. It was sad. But mostly because I had written out a lot more in my book and I lost a bit of it. Also I had written out like 10 pages to kelsea park. I haven't sent her a single letter OR a birthday present for like 3 months and I feel awful about it. But yeah. Now I have this iPad and I'm fine with it.<div><br /></div><div>I passed math and I don't want anyone to ask me how I did it because I don't want to talk about it. All I know is that I deserved to pass that class after spending 9 weeks at that satanic place. But I did it. And I'm happy about it.</div><div><br /></div><div>Also! The other best news is the fact that I found NaturesCure for sale online so now I get to haveclear skin again! I am pretty sure I need to buy a lifetime supply though.</div><div><br /></div><div>I just felt like. Blogging. I miss doing it sometimes.</div>Gavinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00774623365203808770noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-62273291679553660.post-40062661186761205402011-10-31T00:08:00.000-07:002011-10-31T00:22:08.357-07:00I mean, why not.I get such gratification from reading old blog posts on here. I love remembering those first years of being moved out. It's so crazy to think that I have already lived away from home for 3 years. I really don't feel old enough to have that kind of experience. But I guess I do.<div><br /></div><div>The things happening in my life are not extremely different than what was happening before. I'm getting my associates degree in English Literature this semester so that will be good to finally have. Also Math ruined my life in a short Eight weeks. My math final is tomorrow and I'm so scared about it. If i don't pass then its 20 more hours of studying for me.</div><div><br /></div><div>Kelsea is still gone and I still miss her. She's the worst. I'm so mad at her for leaving forever. I just miss her and want to hang out with her and just akdhsfkha. I'm happy she's happy out there, but I just miss her.</div><div><br /></div><div>Friends is distracting me. I did the thing where I don't think about what I will blog about before I open this blank page and it gets me nowhere. I did a lot this month though!</div><div><br /></div><div>Second week of october I spent it in the Bahamas with Soren and this passed weekend we spent it in Seattle! It was soooo much fun. </div><div><br /></div><div>But i guess I want to do this more. I live in my mom's basement like every cool 21 year old does. And I sit on this bed for an hour before I go to sleep every night. So why not get out my journal feelings on here. Like good old days.</div><div><br /></div><div>Be safe.</div>Gavinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00774623365203808770noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-62273291679553660.post-33107774242631857352011-08-27T23:51:00.001-07:002011-08-28T00:04:36.148-07:00Bad guy.I have hurt a lot of people.<div>
<br /></div><div>I have made so many mistakes that it blows my mind that someone like me, who over-thinks EVERYTHING could make such stupid decisions. I honestly do my best to think out every possible consequence of my actions - extensively to a great amount.</div><div>
<br /></div><div>But no matter how smart a decision may seem at the time, or how confident I can be in the choice I am making, I still somehow manage to overlook a route that my decision can take me in. Often times, it takes me straight down that route and so ridiculously fast.</div><div>
<br /></div><div>I feel terrible for the things I have done to the boy I love. The one person I have been confident in giving my heart to. But I also feel so angry at myself for hurting other people along the way.</div><div>
<br /></div><div>I used to be the person who felt like they had nothing. I was so affected by the way that I perceived myself to be that I made a promise to myself to be the person that everyone needed me to be. I would always give attention to those who needed it and I was a sincere friend to everyone who had showed me their own sincerity. Somewhere along the way, I started to see something in myself that gave me the confidence to overlook these flaws and I began to see myself on a higher pedestal. I no longer felt strained for affection. For some reason. This caused me to break my silent vow in such a twisted way. I still genuinely care for everyone who deserves it or needs it. I really do have a good heart with good intentions. People think its in a manipulative way but I honestly value other peoples happiness well above my own. But at some point, I started to mess up and I lost control of my life and I started messing with the people around me. Its not fair that someone as stupid and unimportant as me could have such a deep and hurtful affect on anyone. It kills me, it really does, to think about causing anyone emotional pain. Because I've been there. I was there for 4 years. Crying myself to sleep on a regular basis. Having anxiety attacks that kept me awake at night because I was so scared to go to school the next day. I cant be someone that hurts good people because I am not worth it.</div><div>
<br /></div><div>It just sucks thinking about the people I have had to hurt to get where I really feel like I need to be. Soren is the single most important thing in my life and I would be lost without him. So I'm thankful for the reassurance that I have not been wasting my time, even if it means hurting some people along the way.</div>Gavinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00774623365203808770noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-62273291679553660.post-43729054183470804512011-06-22T23:48:00.000-07:002011-06-22T23:49:09.702-07:00You must give up the life you planned in order to have the life that is waiting for you.<div><br /></div><div>-Joseph Campbell</div>Gavinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00774623365203808770noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-62273291679553660.post-34195591087733823982011-06-01T02:14:00.001-07:002011-06-01T02:16:53.016-07:00still.I cant sleep, anddddd I can't function.<div><br /></div><div>I'm messing everything up. And I don't even know if I'm making a single right decision. Everything feels so wrong but I keep believing that I'm being the bigger man and taking the high road or whatever. I hate that I know that I won't stop feeling like this for a long time, and I know it will just keep getting worse and worse until finally it starts to get better somehow.</div><div><br /></div><div>I will never stop loving that boy.</div>Gavinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00774623365203808770noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-62273291679553660.post-3514695093862370222011-05-28T01:17:00.000-07:002011-05-28T01:18:57.847-07:00Cry Fest Continued.I cry every single night. And I haven't even made it to the worst part yet.<div><br /></div><div>It has always, and will always, be him.</div>Gavinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00774623365203808770noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-62273291679553660.post-53928591893779877562011-05-25T02:12:00.000-07:002011-05-25T02:23:27.227-07:00Private now.. so.<div>Well I made this blog private... So I'm actually feeling like I'm writing in a Journal now, so this feels even more weird knowing that nobody will read this. But I had to make this blog private because my grandma and grandpa cant know I'm gay and I was scared a Ferguson would find this blog and I'd be cut out of the will. They aren't awful people. I love them, but I don't think they'd still love me.</div><div><br /></div><div>This last month has been..... the worst. yeah, the worst I'd say.</div><div><br /></div><div>I have honestly never experienced a more painful month of my life. Emotionally I guess, the Bar in my chest thing hurt...</div><div><br /></div><div>But I broke up with Soren. I know in the past posts I just talk about how sure of him I am and how everything about our relationship is perfect but things just stopped being perfect in February. I don't know what it was but he just got so depressed and bored of his life here. He says it wasnt ME but just where he was. But it was me, and it just got me to thinking about him and how there is no way that this perfect human is so willingly able to commit himself to me for the rest of his life. He has so much that he needs to do and is going to become someone too amazing to stay tied down to someone like me.</div><div><br /></div><div>I realized we both needed to grow up. My feelings for him have never changed. Not once. I love him now just as much as I always have. I don't think my feelings for him will ever go away, I really don't think they will. And I'm being honest with myself because nobody is going to read this damn blog. He is so amazing. I know that I got so lucky with him and the year that we were together was the best of my life. Not even saying that to sound cliche or to fit in with the rest of the people who say that. But I have never been happier than when I was with him.</div><div><br /></div><div>I just wish we could fast forward our lives. I mean I still want to experience a bunch of crap but I want to just be 5 years from now. I want both of us to do what we need to do and just find each other again and to have eachother forever. I know we could have been ready if we met when we were both a little bit older. I hate how we both want to do so much because we just can't do those things together. As much as we say we want to, it would be destructive and one of us would always be feeling a slight sense of resentment.</div><div><br /></div><div>I miss him so much. I have cried more in this last month than I have in the past 5 years. There is nothing that I want more than to just come to the ULTIMATE realization that I'm doing the WRONG thing. But I just know deep down in my heart that he needs this, and I need this, and this will be a good thing for both of us. I just think that we both need this. But that doesn't stop me from playing our last kiss in my head over and over again. Its such an awful feeling. Knowing that you can have the one thing you want more than anything, back in a single instant if you decided to. But the decision I made is the right one for now.</div>Gavinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00774623365203808770noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-62273291679553660.post-83814039313547686562011-03-27T23:47:00.000-07:002011-03-28T00:03:00.492-07:00Picking a title is the dumbest part about blogging<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFl57shCm_yR0bP60Zjo9v7kGOqeEn2GGFiCveR-kxYS1WvnPU277l_viEimCDuBXfex7DiMP8XyPNiCNGl95G8TPbFBn0V0XmNWc2H1cDTHZoBqW6tp9sjhEPCfL671PRiVnLpiZ-qLk/s1600/5852_120297467641_518017641_3077932_2661051_n.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 214px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFl57shCm_yR0bP60Zjo9v7kGOqeEn2GGFiCveR-kxYS1WvnPU277l_viEimCDuBXfex7DiMP8XyPNiCNGl95G8TPbFBn0V0XmNWc2H1cDTHZoBqW6tp9sjhEPCfL671PRiVnLpiZ-qLk/s320/5852_120297467641_518017641_3077932_2661051_n.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5589020633503127490" /></a><br />I love driving when it has just barely rained and everything is wet but there is no rain happening. And your windshield is wiped clean or your car is dry because its been in a garage or something because then the world looks perfect while you drive by it. I love street lamps that aren't florescent especially because the yellowish color that reflects off the road is the best. The air looks perfectly clean and crisp and the low clouds in the sky reflect off of the city lights and it makes them that nice faded pink color. It's just a great time to be driving even when its cold because you can still roll down the windows and turn the heat up and listen to music, thats a perfect feeling too. But it really is the best when it just rained at night in the summer and it stops. Because walking outside in that is easily one of my top 5 favorite things on my list of likes.<div><br /></div><div>I want to be driving on a pretty road with lots of trees and yellow street lamps right after it has rained with the windows down and the heat up, listening to perfect music really late at night so there are no cars visible from any direction with the one I love. And if we're really going for ideal then it would be nice if the moon was reflecting off a lake that we were driving along. That would be a perfect moment. Not one of those perfect moments where you just feel like everything is perfect, but the kind of perfect moment that every moment before and after would have a hard time competing against. </div><div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>This is the best picture I could find without having to look through pictures for a long time. This is an arcade along the Jersey Shore and we walked on the boardwalk on the beach and I just loved it.</div></div>Gavinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00774623365203808770noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-62273291679553660.post-23978569391328369072011-03-21T00:16:00.000-07:002011-03-21T00:25:15.947-07:00Stuff.I'm going to start doing stuff.<div><br /></div><div>I don't know what kind of stuff or even if that stuff will be stuff worth doing but I really want to force myself to apply my skills better. I know that I'm capable of things and it's worth getting involved because right now I feel like I'm kind of floating by watching everything happen that I want to be doing. I know I will be doing more once I get to California but there are things I can be doing right now at UVU or like... atttttt somewhere!</div><div><br /></div><div>I want to volunteer at a hospital for kids or like, hang out with cancer patients or something! I can just be doing more and I'm sick of just talking about doing stuff that I know I can do.</div><div><br /></div><div>That, and we're going to make more friends. We still haven't forgotten about our new years resolution.</div>Gavinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00774623365203808770noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-62273291679553660.post-70797719059464074472011-02-24T23:07:00.000-08:002011-02-24T23:14:44.834-08:00CASSIE!!!I had such a good day today! Kate didn't wake me up as early as I thought she would and I'm so thankful for that haha so my day started out right.<div><br /></div><div>I got to work at 12:30 and the whole time I was just so prepared for my 5 hour shift I didn't even care at all that I was there I was just happy and it was me and Catie and Sierra and we ordered a pizza to be delivered to us and the pizza man was super confused and I ate it all and I was so happy about that and then I went home and felt tired and sore so I just watched tv but then I was like.. I should run.</div><div><br /></div><div>So I ran but I felt like I wanted to sprint today so I decided to run only one mile but as fast as I could so I ran at a 7.7 because an 8 will just kill you. Ran and ran and just BARELY made the mile in under 8 minutes. So proud of myself because seriously I don't remember if I was ever capable of that. </div><div><br /></div><div>So then I called Cassie and asked if I could take her and Amanda to get sonic because I miss them a lot sometimes and we just talked about everything and talked for so long and I loved it and I like them so much.</div><div><br /></div><div>It was as good as awful Thursdays could ever be because usually I hate thursdays because all I want out of them is for it to be over so it can be the weekend.</div>Gavinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00774623365203808770noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-62273291679553660.post-27029531677713812752011-02-22T00:01:00.001-08:002011-02-22T00:41:36.267-08:00Still learning.I learned a lot of things tonight... and over the past 9 months.<div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>I learned that I had some shell shock when it came to the effects of turning 21.</div><div><br /></div><div>I need to communicate my feelings better because my selflessness and people pleasing just isn't good for me. I want to help people and make them happy but I don't need to take it upon myself to make sure everything is perfect.</div><div><br /></div><div>Things aren't always going to be perfect and that's okay. We need imperfect and boring times to recognize all the amazing ones.</div><div><br /></div><div>I worry... wayyyy too much but I think I'm very gradually getting better!</div><div><br /></div><div>I'm learning a lot about myself but I'm nowhere near figuring me out completely.</div><div><br /></div><div>We need more friends, we love our friends but more are needed.</div><div><br /></div><div>We HAVE to get out of Utah as soon as possible.</div><div><br /></div><div>I want to be as good of a version of the real me as possible. The version that isn't compromised by the way I want people to perceive me. To be the real me and know that I will still be loved.</div><div><br /></div><div>I need to grow up just a little. I think a lot of the things I need to learn are linked to too many insecurities that are attached to the opinion I had of myself in High School. Being gay and hiding yourself like that for so long had some affects on me and I need to let go of it all.</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>I've also learned that I have someone who loves me unconditionally. I somehow found a person who sees all my flaws and helps me through them and either shows me how to work through them or embraces them as a part of me. I will do better. For him AND for myself. Things will change as time goes by and our relationship will take different steps but I know that I can be with him forever if he's willing to keep tolerating everything that he has already. He is teaching me more about life and how to move passed everything I just listed and is so patient with me. It's amazing to me.</div><div><br /></div><div>Life is great. I will learn things.</div>Gavinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00774623365203808770noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-62273291679553660.post-23186883953454895492011-02-16T23:39:00.001-08:002011-02-17T00:14:21.629-08:00It... Happened!Alright, I've posted 142 times and in those posts I talk about being sad and not knowing why, and or about being way happy but the people reading never know why. Well here's the answer to all of our questions. Sad because I was gay and unhappy. Happy because I was gay and the happiest.<div><br /></div><div>I turned 21 on monday and I'm just old and I'm just sick of lying and hiding because no matter who knew about me I still couldn't really be me always anywhere I wanted to be because my family didn't know. Last sunday I told my little brother I was gay and it just felt good. He was so great about it and it just motivated me to tell my mom who I was most worried about telling. </div><div><br /></div><div>On friday I was thrown a Surprise Birthday party. Something nobody has ever done for me. Going through all that trouble was amazing to me. Then on Saturday I spent the day in Salt Lake at an Aviary then Dinner. Then my real birthday I got to wake up my favorite way and was given the most amazing present anyone has given me. It was honestly the most perfect birthday I have ever had and I too damn old to care if people know why it was perfect. It's not fair for me to say I'm in love with someone and keep him hidden just because he's a 'him'.</div><div><br /></div><div>This last year there has been the longest streak of happiness and every blog I've written talking about me being happy is because of him. I was just too scared for people to see things and for those people to run and go tell my parents. I just don't care anymore. We've been together for 9 months and I'm still so in love with him. I am so set on this decision to be with him and I never want it to end.</div><div><br /></div><div>I told my mom about us yesterday and she understands how unhappy I have been in the past and she sees how happy I have been this last year. She told me she's just happy that he makes me happy and I loved that. I think almost everyone has been able to see the change in me over the last year and for almost every single person in my life to know about us feels so good that they see its because of him. I love him, and hiding him was worse than hiding myself. He's the most important thing in my life and now I was able to prove it. and ugh. it just feels so good.</div><div><br /></div><div>I can't wait to see how this changes things for the better. I know it's going to be an adjustment but it makes me excited.</div>Gavinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00774623365203808770noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-62273291679553660.post-5951336714563751592011-02-09T21:28:00.000-08:002011-02-09T21:45:24.283-08:00Roommate...sI used to talk a lot about the roommate section of my life. I guess it's because I had just moved out and the roommate dynamic was the only interesting thing that was going on. But once you grow up its just another thing. Lets recap on the life and times of roommates past.<div><br /></div><div>In the beginning there was Jason and Ben. Ben was 26 and was into W.o.W. He was a training nurse and had no life so he was never home, and if he WAS home he was with his wayyyy scary friend playing world of warcraft in his room. aaand Jason.. Oh Jason. Bless his heart. He was a good 200 pounds and owned a gun. My friends liked him because he grew up in Alaska. But he had zero friends and was just flat out awkward and did not have much of a life. But he fixed my phone once! Which I am still thankful for.</div><div><br /></div><div>I lived with them for 6 months, then Ben got a life and new friends so he moved out with cooler people. I had my hopes up for a fun nice roommate but in the end Jason comes and tells me "My friend from alaska is moving in. He got home from his mission a week ago and is pretty interesting." He was an awful human who was named... something. I cant remember. He was awful though and having such crappy roommates forced me to move out. I hated being home, and I hated them.</div><div><br /></div><div>So now we are to Morgan. We weren't friends for the first month but then we started watching tv together and actually got along well. We became real life friends even. It was weird. We'd do late night mcdonalds runs and he actually had cool friends that we would hang out with. We even drove to Vegas together once. He was cool, but he really wanted to be Rob Dyrdek which I hated about him. And he looked seriously the worst with his shirt off because he has freaking blood veins all over and he did it a lot. Worst.</div><div><br /></div><div>So someone bought the contract to that new apt and I had to move into a new one. I started out with David and Filipe. Both of them kept to themselves and did nothing all day all the time. Filipe found a girl and got married fast and David dated this midget asian girl. He was really nice though and he still helps me out with electronic stuff if I need it. So after Filipe moved out we got another ethnic to take his spot. Mr. Moses. His first name is moses, his last name is Lugo. And then david moved and now I have winston. Moses is never here and Winston is a normal human who likes cage fighting...</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>This was awful and the most boring and I don't know why I felt like writing it but I sure did.</div><div><br /></div><div>I drive a Hyundai Sonata now. Still doesnt have a name and I already cracked the bumper by backing out into a truck.</div>Gavinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00774623365203808770noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-62273291679553660.post-28787590025905729522011-01-18T22:16:00.000-08:002011-01-18T22:34:43.466-08:00It's because I named him Chase.January 21st:<div>New car purchased : $12,700</div><div><br /></div><div>January 23rd:</div><div>New tires: $300</div><div><br /></div><div>Janaury 24th:</div><div>Tinting Windows and Headlights: $200</div><div><br /></div><div>February 9th:</div><div>Busted electrical system: $1,200</div><div><br /></div><div>June 16th:</div><div>New Break Pads: $800</div><div><br /></div><div>August 20th:</div><div>New Fuel Pump: $300</div><div><br /></div><div>October 7th:</div><div>Tire Blowout: $300</div><div><br /></div><div>January 18th... One. freaking. year. later...:</div><div>Messed up alignment and words I don't remember and shit: $1,400</div><div><br /></div><div>Worst car, worst year for money to exist. F you Chase. F you seriously so much of that F... You were the worst car and I will not miss you and you're ugly too.</div><div><br /></div><div>Worst.</div><div><br /></div><div>Thank you everyone for making me happy today. You're all ridiculously important to me.</div><div><br /></div><div>This weekend was great. Park City and just Fantastic Mr. Fox and fun and good. I'm so lucky to have so many more Up moments in my life than Down. </div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div>Gavinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00774623365203808770noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-62273291679553660.post-52704539948866564822011-01-02T23:42:00.000-08:002011-01-03T00:02:58.027-08:00Look. Proof.<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFFFFF;">This is what I posted on January 6th of 2010.</span><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFFFFF;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" color: rgb(255, 255, 255); font-size:13px;"><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0.75em; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 1.6em; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">I know this is going to be a better year. This year has started out awesome for me and I just have such a good feeling. I feel like things are going to still happen and there might be some crappy parts, but I just know that this year is going to be a million times better than last year. Thats all I have to say on the matter haha.</span></span></p><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">I hope new years was good and I hope you're all good. Its going to be good everyone. 2010... be nice.</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">If you weren't reading the posts below this one you should know that I've been so happy. The happiest. I can't believe it but I was dead on with my prediction.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">The year started perfect and ended perfect. There were some crappy parts but it was easily a million times better than last year, and all the 19 years that came before it. It was the best most important year of my life. I have experienced and learned some of the most valuable things that I know I needed to experience. They all happened when they did for a reason and I KNOW that I have what I have for a reason.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">I went to Georgia. I went to New York. I went to LA with my best friends. I lived in London for 6 weeks. I stood on the Eiffel Tower in Paris. I walked the shores of Ireland. I rode trains throughout Scotland. But by far the most vital thing that happened to me, the one thing that I would trade all of those experiences for is when I fell in love.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">2010.. good job, and thank you for being nice.</span></div></span></div>Gavinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00774623365203808770noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-62273291679553660.post-53474765707668387182010-12-25T21:58:00.000-08:002010-12-25T22:34:39.093-08:00Third annual christmas blogThis is the first time I have written a blog on this computer. I always do it on my laptop but I mean why not do this here and now since I am right here, now.<div><br /></div><div>I used to freak out about having a great christmas. I wanted the next one to always match the previous one. I wanted the Clayson's to always show up 45 minutes late to dinner. I wanted my dads scavenger hunt to always have weirder and weirder clues that lead to obvious areas of our house. Then I wanted us to all just sit there while Ed read the nativity story. I always cared a lot about christmas eve happening this way. Christmas was way too important to me I think. I wouldn't be upset if I didn't get what I wanted. I would be upset if traditions were messed with. So last Christmas was super weird because Logan was away at rehab so I already felt weird about that change. But this year, my parents got separated in February, divorced in May, my mom got re-married in December, and my dad is getting married in 20 days. So spending Christmas Eve without the Clayson's, and plus 5 people who I only met a month ago was just hard.</div><div><br /></div><div>I'm not sure if you are one of the few that know but I have periods that last one or two days sometimes, I would say once every six weeks. I don't mean this in a literal physical experience, but emotionally... I don't bleed...</div><div><br /></div><div>But these past two days. They were so long and it was so sad to just let go of something that I had to look forward too for 18 years. Honestly we have done the exact same traditions for that long. and my dad. I know he has Neva but it kills me. He sees what has happened to our family and he says its all for the best but I honestly feel like both of my parents wish they would have worked things out. It might be buried deep down inside of them but I have heard it. I heard my mom say out of her mouth the day before she started talking to Eric. "I would work things out if he tried hard enough." I don't know what my dad wasn't doing or what he WAS doing but I just know that my mom wishes we could have all just stayed happy but maybe nothing would have changed. I really don't know and I guess we cant know and you can never know someone else's love for another. I need my parents to remember that one day so all I can do is wish them luck and be happy for them both no matter how hard this is for US because I don't know how they are or what they are thinking. It's probably hard for them too on another level that I just can't understand. Anyway, my dad was just so great last night. He still did the scavenger hunt for it down at his condo in AF and it was still so great with his weird poems and he still did his best to show as much normalcy as he could even though he wasn't feeling well and he probably needed to rest. He's just trying so hard not to lose us and it breaks my heart because he knows that we are all at my mom's 90% of the time. I'm just glad he at least has Neva this Christmas. That would have been so much harder without her there to take care of him.</div><div><br /></div><div>I know next year will be better. and all the ones following it. I just needed these two days to end and I just need to wake up and breathe tomorrow because my period is over and these tears are happening now so they don't happen over something stupid later. </div><div><br /></div><div>I know things could be worse and harder, I need to keep reminding myself of that. Hayden's girlfriend... freaking. her dad died six months ago from brain cancer and her little sister died three months ago in a car accident. It's seriously JUST her and her mom at home and I can't even imagine how these two days must have been. I need to put things like this into perspective because I can handle these things and I can turn them around into a brighter picture. I know that I am capable of doing so and if Marnie could smile all day today with my family and step siblings while remembering what she would have been doing if those things didn't happen to her this year then I can get over my desire to keep things the same and realize that christmas can keep its meaning but be celebrated a different way.</div><div><br /></div><div>I just know that I needed to have what I have in order to have made it through this Christmas. I'm so lucky and grateful.</div><div><br /></div><div>Longest rant. Needed it all out. Sorry. </div><div><br /></div><div>I hope you had a good christmas!</div>Gavinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00774623365203808770noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-62273291679553660.post-78217534702792863802010-12-21T22:35:00.000-08:002010-12-21T22:47:45.694-08:00Tons of time.It has almost been a year and I'm so happy about it.<div><br /></div><div>This year has just been super pivotal for me. I've experience so many things that needed to happen in my life and I'm so lucky to have had this year go the way that it did. It makes every single hard time that I had from 16 on, worth it. I don't even dwell on it because I know that everything is alright and no matter what it will be alright. Every worry, fear and sorrow I ever felt managed to make me be the way that I am which enabled me to have what I have. </div><div><br /></div><div>This Christmas will be one of the best I've ever had because I finally have what I've always wanted.</div>Gavinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00774623365203808770noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-62273291679553660.post-79861019958007612092010-12-04T23:13:00.000-08:002010-12-04T23:31:51.378-08:00Whoa hey.Well, hey. I feel like it has been a long time. It has, but I think it feels longer than it really has been. I don't have the most interesting things to say to all 33 of you. I still don't understand why you follow me, and I'm 72% sure that only 3 people really read this blog so I'm just getting mixed signals.<div><br /></div><div>I have 20 more days to crack down and completely decide on christmas presents. I'm doing a good job so far and I'm just trying my hardest to not buy every single one of my friends things from Bath and Body Works. But I mean it might happen... Most of my friends are hard to shop for. Especially when you've bought them wolf and cat things every birthday and christmas for the last three years. Branching out this year.</div><div><br /></div><div>My mom gets married in 5 days! Everyone is freaking out. For some reason it doesn't feel like the most real thing to ever happen to us, so I'm just like, alright sure sounds like a fine thing. I'm really okay with it. I'm just having a hard time opening up to the family because for some reason I don't feel like taking on the roll of an older brother to anyone else. I still am doing a lot to keep my relationship with Hayden healthy. He has a new girlfriend and she's so funny, I really like her. </div><div><br /></div><div>Well I'm still happy. Its been a long streak of happiness that this blog has experienced! I'm just very content and I couldn't ask for more than what I have because what I have is beyond what I thought possible for me. I'm lucky to have felt this way for so long because life was hard for me a lot, no denying, its straight up on this blog for everyone to see.</div><div><br /></div><div>I want anna to start a youtube channel. She does the weirdest things at 3 am and I just feel like if she recorded what she was doing then she would get famous and get paid to do it. You've always wanted a second job anna! This could be perfect! We really wanted missy to do one. Missy the Intern. She was going to go around from intern job to intern job getting fired from everyone because she's super messed up. You had to have seen the original but it got deleted and the day that happened my heart hurt a lot.</div><div><br /></div><div>This is boring. Rapping it up. I miss Kelsea Lynn Park. I really do but I'm not crying anymore. I will have 5 new step-family members in 5 days so thats a thing. I want you to draw me a picture for christmas. El fin.</div><div><br /></div><div>Drew... lets go see movies. We suck at doing that.</div>Gavinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00774623365203808770noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-62273291679553660.post-88632689234235743562010-11-16T22:50:00.000-08:002010-11-16T22:58:48.713-08:00Third worst wave.It happened. Today happened and it was much more awful than I had thought it would be. Saying goodbye to Kelsea was the hardest thing I have dealt with for so long and I don't think people really understand why it was so hard because this past year I haven't hung out with her very much, or, as much as I did at the beginning of our friendship.<div><br /></div><div>Me and four others met up at Kelsea's house tonight to say our goodbyes. We were all very normal and casual for the first hour like we were just all hanging out. I actually thought maybe I wouldn't cry because I was feeling very okay with it, but then she got us together to say goodbye and Kendel went first and then it was all down hill from there. I hugged her for so long and cried so much and I think I tried to say a few words but I don't think it worked out very well. Then it was over and we were gone. It was just so definite and just hard! askdfhsa worst. So the night carried on and luckily I have more amazing loved ones to help me out during times like this and I'm so thankful for them, but while I was driving, I got a phone call and it was kelsea. I was not prepared for it because when I answered I was already crying. I contemplated not answering but I thought that would be too ironic because I suck at answering her calls more than anyone else and if I had ignored the last phone call that I would get from her in 18 months that would be pretty awful of me haha</div><div><br /></div><div>Anyways, we talked, and I got more of my feelings out but I still could never stop crying. I hope I got out what I needed to say because I really do value what I have and had with her so much and having her gone will be so sad for me but its not over and she's not dying. I know I will see her again but nobody else is ever allowed to leave me or I will just not be able to handle it.</div><div><br /></div><div>I love the crap out of you Kelsea. Don't make me write anymore depressing blogs about you please... and be safe in San Diego. 18 months.</div>Gavinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00774623365203808770noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-62273291679553660.post-69695462213244846832010-11-16T01:19:00.000-08:002010-11-16T01:27:02.629-08:00Kelsea round two.The second wave of three hit today in the goodbye of KLP. Tonight was the last night I got to hang out with just me and her alone. I haven't been thinking about it up until tonight so I was very able to remain very calm the whole time haha <div><br /></div><div>Me and her have a shoe tree. Stupid idiots keep taking them down but we keep throwing them back up. We write little notes on the shoes then get them as high as we can. This time we brought ten pairs of shoes so that brings the total to 14 pairs of shoes up there. It looks really cool and I'm happy about it. This has just been something we've been doing for the last couple of years and Its just been a special thing for me, and I'm happy we have it. After that we went to Kendels house and played mario. Kelseas favorite. We are all sooo freaking good.</div><div><br /></div><div>Then kelsea and I drove home and listened to our old favorite songs together and just freaking went crazy and somewhere during those songs I finally realized it really was our last night doing it. I just had to keep my cool for 10 more minutes until the drive was over and we stopped screaming the music at the top of our lungs. Then she gave me a present, a journal she customized for me and I love it. She wrote me a note in it that I refused to read until she was not in the car because I plan on crying in front of her one time only which will be tomorrow night at 7.</div><div><br /></div><div>Kelsea is just such a good friend and I will miss her. This crying for sure needs to end because I need to go to freaking sleep. Not excited for the final wave tomorrow.</div>Gavinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00774623365203808770noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-62273291679553660.post-82723168549208153792010-11-11T00:29:00.000-08:002010-11-11T00:42:47.613-08:00Help.I'm cursed. I know I am.<div><br /></div><div>Let me feed you a little bit of background. I'm nice to my cars. Every single one of them. My truck and Doris loved the crap out of me. I hit a car once with my truck but it didn't get hurt at all, so it clearly forgave me because the most trouble it ever gave me was that I needed to change the air filter once. Not a problem. Doris never EVER died. Got a flat once, but that was mikes fault ha.</div><div><br /></div><div>And now Chase. We got him for a deal. He had two previous owners, both on leases, so its reasonable for them to treat him like crap because who cares. So when we found him for sale for 12,700 we were happy. His tires were old so we were like, I guess we can get new tires since we got him so cheap. that brought his value up to 13,000. Then we got his windows tinted and new headlights, so now we're up to 13,200. Then a month later, it starts going crazy. The electrical system would freak out if used for two long and then the car would just die altogether. We took it to SL to fix that one, 1,200 dollars. So now we're up to 14,400. Everything worked fine until about three months ago it got super squeeky in the tires so we thought he just needed new break pads. But no, it needed a whole bunch of crap because every 80,000 miles Volvo's are made to need these weird stupid new things. 1,000 more dollars. So I'm like, cool. My volvo ended up really costing us 15,400. but not really, it just seemed more crappy as time went by. Only a month passed until the Check Engine light came on. New Fuel Pump. 300 dollars. Math equals, 15,700. I just really hoped nothing would go wrong. Everything has been great since and it should all be good!</div><div><br /></div><div>Today I was driving to Soren's house when things got bumpy and the tire just popped. I pulled over, tried to fix it on my own. Every single family member couldn't come to help me. Found out that I was AAA insured so they came. He told me that because of the alignment that it slowly messed up the inside part of my car and it just wore out and done. Went to the tire place, said I needed new tires all around which I say is bull, and is trying to get 500 dollars out of us to replace all four tires. I refuse. I still owe my dad 250$ I don't need to have put in over 16,000 dollars into my car that is barely worth 12,000 if I tried to sell it right now. </div><div><br /></div><div>Anyways, I know this is long. But tonight, me and Lin's went to the gym and for some reason I just wanted fries really bad so we went to McDonalds and got me some and went and parked her car somewhere to eat them. We left the battery running for 15 minutes maybe then we tried to start the car again and done. Aliens. Noises and lights and everything was freaking out and then dead. No more functioning. We were stranded for two hours. Calling everyone and trying everything to fix it. AAA couldnt help, lindseys dad or brothers couldnt help, MISSY TRIED TO HELP THANK YOU MISSY and then finally Anna came and rescued us.</div><div><br /></div><div>Two broken cars in 9 hours. Cursed. I'm just glad it wasn't my car that broke down. Even though I'm sad for Lin's.</div>Gavinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00774623365203808770noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-62273291679553660.post-74767393577063604622010-10-14T23:44:00.000-07:002010-10-15T00:03:16.372-07:00For SureI can't stop saying for sure. I don't really want to or need to but its just a fine thing to say I think. But if it is overdone then please limit me a number per week or something.<div><br /></div><div>I went to frightmares tonight at Lagoon and all I know is that life today was perfect. Things just were happy and I felt happy all day and you just have times in your life where you feel like there is nothing wrong and you're with the right people and you know that days like today happen for a reason. I will never forget today and I'm not sure many people would really even understand why if I told them.</div><div><br /></div><div>I turn 21 in four months, so Drew don't worry your Gin is like coming and stuff.</div><div><br /></div><div>I also decided that I want to move to California after I get my associates at the stupid UVU. I want to apply to a few art schools and get a degree in Photography. Not necessarily to make it my career but just so I have that to use if I ever want to. I just want to get good at photography. I feel like I'm just as good as my camera makes me seem. So yeah, California. My old plan was to move to Phoenix for a year, then move to Seattle for two and then go to graduate school up there once I gained residency, but life changes things and minds change too and I'm very content with the California idea.</div><div><br /></div><div>School is going well this semester, even though I'm only in two and a half classes because of the stupid system. I have a B- in my English 2600 class and a B in my Biology class! If I can pass biology with a B then It will be worth the fact that this is the third time I've taken Biology. Next semester will be filled with 15 credits so wish me luck on a fork not going into my jugular.</div><div><br /></div><div>Bath and Body Works is fine. I don't work there very often but I like the people and the human communication so far. Well the end. This was a long ANNNNNNNNNNNNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA hi anna. Happy? did this make you happy? You didnt make me do this.</div>Gavinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00774623365203808770noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-62273291679553660.post-11313751455351189352010-09-25T23:15:00.000-07:002010-09-25T23:23:09.134-07:00I cant keep thinking of new titles.I don't know why I haven't been blogging lately. Things are happening. It's annoying to me how often I blog when things are wrong and how infrequent I am when things are good. I'm better at recognizing the good parts of life but I didn't realize that meant I'm worse at being expressive about it.<div><br /></div><div>I'm taking my cousins wedding pictures. All of them. I have already done Engagements and I think we are doing bridals in two or three weeks and then I'm doing the actual wedding. So scared. I have never done a wedding and to be hired for all three of the sections of the memories. So scary. But the announcements will look good I think. I'm excited to see how they get put together for the actual invitation. I'm also taking family pictures for two families these next two months! I'm building my street cred. straight up. Good thing all of the money I will make will go towards my stupid Volvo for needing new brake pads.</div><div><br /></div><div>I work at Lone Peak as a student teacher and starting this tuesday I will be a sales associate for the Bath and Body Works at the riverwoods! hoorayyyy. We'll see how much I like that. I really am liking Lone Peak though. Slow money but I really do enjoy it.</div><div><br /></div><div>Life is just still good and happy. So good. Everyone is lucky guys. We all are pretty blessed when it comes down to it. Even if things don't seem like it, things are good and we are lucky.</div>Gavinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00774623365203808770noreply@blogger.com1