Weird.

I don't blog anymore. But this time of year I always think of this blog and how much I used to love writing in it. Its a big nostalgia thing and I'm probably the biggest fan of nostalgia. I'm always talking in the past. I really think I suck at living in the present because as soon as something has happened I dwell on it long enough to forget about what is happening right here and now. Probably a problem, probably don't care haha.

Well I felt like writing this in here because I did something that I would have written about five years ago. Tonight my friend Lindsey turned 23 so the night went as follows.

Her boyfriend had her up until 10 but I didn't care because I knew he would get to have her and tomorrow is her real birthday so I mostly needed to make sure I would have her at midnight because for the last three years we have done this thing where we dance and sing to Taylor Swift as it turns midnight and I'll never know how or why it happened but it just does. So I went to Albertsons and bought her Cadberry Caramel chocolates that we first discovered when we were in London together and since shes on a diet so I got her diet coke for the drive and the rest of her present I just bought her a shiz ton of Altoids because she has a boyfriend.

I wanted to pretend that we were going on a road trip with all of these things because we were supposed to go to Disneyland for her spring break but that just didn't work out. And I told her what the plan was and it was that five years ago pretty much exactly, I had this emotional breakdown, freaking out about gay stuff, my mission, and my life basically. I told her that I went on this exact drive and just cried until I came to the south west side of Utah Lake and cried more and decided that I was done with the crap I had put up with the year before and what I was going to do the next year. So I brought roman candles, and paper. On all of the pieces of paper we wrote things we were going to stop doing, and things about ourself that are negative and my goal was for us to shoot the roman candles at the papers while shouting Harry Potter curses at them. It had just rained so everything looked awesome and the twilight that was cast over us from the lights across the lake made for a dang good setting for harry potter crap to go down. But when we shot the roman candles at our pieces of paper we found out that we would lose against dementors and dark wizards because we did not hit a single piece of paper. There were 10 pages all lined up in a row and we didn't hit a single one haha. So we just shot roman candles over the lake shouting things instead because that looks cooler and theres less stress. Then it started to rain so we danced to some pre taylor jams and tried lighting the pieces of paper on fire instead but they were too wet so we decided that letting them rot under the rain was sufficient enough.

Then we went on the road that I took that one night five years ago and we talked about all the things that went down during the last year and just kind of talked through all of it until I brought us to these orchards that I've always loved but was too scared to stop at. I think anna and I stopped once, but people were out collecting the fruit in them so I never got to hang out. But it is a wednesday night at 11:30 so Nobody gave a crap. There was a path that divided hundreds of trees, kind of like the path that couples stand in while taking bridals, actually exactly like that but there wasnt a dirt path it was just lush green grass and everything was wet but it wasnt raining so I angled my car so that my brights lit up the path and we blasted Taylor and walked down it. There was tons of lighting from the clouds so it was way cool. It just looked pretty perfect so we decided that she would turn 23 right there. We just walked around until 11:58 and blasted Taylors "22" song and somehow we ended up in our underwear but we were screaming and dancing so it wasn't cold when you could see our breath like crazy. It was so perfect. We thought we were too tired but we were dead wrong because shuffle kept playing and we just screamed and danced for two more songs.

So after that we finished the drive on the road I took and did not stop to talk for another half hour we just screamed taylor songs out the window and danced and honestly I don't think I was being safe at all. A lot of things could have killed us now that I think about it but whatever. We found the nearest McDonalds, went and looked at the Payson Temple that is under construction which is perfect. And then we just listened to taylor until 1:30 until I dropped her off. All I know is that it was perfect and too many things about it reminded me of how perfect Lindsey is and I'm just happy she likes being stupid and dumb with me because I don't know how many more years I'll be lucky enough to have so many single girlfriends.

Don't know if I'll keep posting on here. It feels pretty weird.

Moving...?

So I'm supposed to move to Seattle in January.

Here's the dilemma.

I am graduating with my associates degree at the end of this semester. So I was going to move to Seattle, go to the art school for a semester, move back for the summer then go back in the fall. So the problem with that, is I will be blowing a good 5,000 dollars.

So what I can do is finish my bachelors degree then move. I would save money, the hassle of moving, and all that crap. This way, when I move for real, I can just stay there.

I don't like the idea of staying here for so much longer though, but I really believe it would not be smart to move right now. Stupid.

Well. Hi iPad.

This is the first time thati I'm writing a blog from my iPad. I don't really like it as much but it has auto correct so that's a nice thing. My laptop finally died. It was sad. But mostly because I had written out a lot more in my book and I lost a bit of it. Also I had written out like 10 pages to kelsea park. I haven't sent her a single letter OR a birthday present for like 3 months and I feel awful about it. But yeah. Now I have this iPad and I'm fine with it.

I passed math and I don't want anyone to ask me how I did it because I don't want to talk about it. All I know is that I deserved to pass that class after spending 9 weeks at that satanic place. But I did it. And I'm happy about it.

Also! The other best news is the fact that I found NaturesCure for sale online so now I get to haveclear skin again! I am pretty sure I need to buy a lifetime supply though.

I just felt like. Blogging. I miss doing it sometimes.

I mean, why not.

I get such gratification from reading old blog posts on here. I love remembering those first years of being moved out. It's so crazy to think that I have already lived away from home for 3 years. I really don't feel old enough to have that kind of experience. But I guess I do.

The things happening in my life are not extremely different than what was happening before. I'm getting my associates degree in English Literature this semester so that will be good to finally have. Also Math ruined my life in a short Eight weeks. My math final is tomorrow and I'm so scared about it. If i don't pass then its 20 more hours of studying for me.

Kelsea is still gone and I still miss her. She's the worst. I'm so mad at her for leaving forever. I just miss her and want to hang out with her and just akdhsfkha. I'm happy she's happy out there, but I just miss her.

Friends is distracting me. I did the thing where I don't think about what I will blog about before I open this blank page and it gets me nowhere. I did a lot this month though!

Second week of october I spent it in the Bahamas with Soren and this passed weekend we spent it in Seattle! It was soooo much fun.

But i guess I want to do this more. I live in my mom's basement like every cool 21 year old does. And I sit on this bed for an hour before I go to sleep every night. So why not get out my journal feelings on here. Like good old days.

Be safe.

Bad guy.

I have hurt a lot of people.

I have made so many mistakes that it blows my mind that someone like me, who over-thinks EVERYTHING could make such stupid decisions. I honestly do my best to think out every possible consequence of my actions - extensively to a great amount.

But no matter how smart a decision may seem at the time, or how confident I can be in the choice I am making, I still somehow manage to overlook a route that my decision can take me in. Often times, it takes me straight down that route and so ridiculously fast.

I feel terrible for the things I have done to the boy I love. The one person I have been confident in giving my heart to. But I also feel so angry at myself for hurting other people along the way.

I used to be the person who felt like they had nothing. I was so affected by the way that I perceived myself to be that I made a promise to myself to be the person that everyone needed me to be. I would always give attention to those who needed it and I was a sincere friend to everyone who had showed me their own sincerity. Somewhere along the way, I started to see something in myself that gave me the confidence to overlook these flaws and I began to see myself on a higher pedestal. I no longer felt strained for affection. For some reason. This caused me to break my silent vow in such a twisted way. I still genuinely care for everyone who deserves it or needs it. I really do have a good heart with good intentions. People think its in a manipulative way but I honestly value other peoples happiness well above my own. But at some point, I started to mess up and I lost control of my life and I started messing with the people around me. Its not fair that someone as stupid and unimportant as me could have such a deep and hurtful affect on anyone. It kills me, it really does, to think about causing anyone emotional pain. Because I've been there. I was there for 4 years. Crying myself to sleep on a regular basis. Having anxiety attacks that kept me awake at night because I was so scared to go to school the next day. I cant be someone that hurts good people because I am not worth it.

It just sucks thinking about the people I have had to hurt to get where I really feel like I need to be. Soren is the single most important thing in my life and I would be lost without him. So I'm thankful for the reassurance that I have not been wasting my time, even if it means hurting some people along the way.

You must give up the life you planned in order to have the life that is waiting for you.

-Joseph Campbell

still.

I cant sleep, anddddd I can't function.

I'm messing everything up. And I don't even know if I'm making a single right decision. Everything feels so wrong but I keep believing that I'm being the bigger man and taking the high road or whatever. I hate that I know that I won't stop feeling like this for a long time, and I know it will just keep getting worse and worse until finally it starts to get better somehow.

I will never stop loving that boy.