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Monday, July 26, 2010

Once.

Whenever I complain on this blog about something it's because I wish there was something different about my life and even if I'm not complaining about the thing that I wish was different i still just complain because I want something that I cant have and my way of dealing with it is to get it out here I guess. But right now there isn't anything in my life that I would change. I know it might not last forever but its good to know that moments like this happen. There are times in life where you know you have all that you need and I'm lucky to hit this point right now. I just needed to feel this way and its been a long time since I've thought that I really will be able to be happy for a long time because of what I have in life. I'm blessed to have the family that I have, and the people that I get to have with me. I want to remember how I feel today because I feel like life is perfect.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

If I could write out...

Dreams are all of the sudden getting a big hype because of the movie Inception and I'm pissed because I was going to write this blog last week but I didn't think it would be necessary because I thought it would stop. So this isn't because I saw that movie. I saw it and liked it but my mind wasn't blown, so I'm fine.


People look too deeply into dreams sometimes. I think its good to remember them and try to figure them out but I really don't think dreams are telling us as much as people think they are. If they really are telling us things then I'm screwed because for the past two weeks I've woken up feeling the exact same way and I know its because of what was going on in my dream. It just messes with my real life subconscious thinking and I swear to all of you that for the first hour of me being awake, my brain is not thinking logically. I wake up depressed and upset at myself and believing that things that I want will never happen. The same thing. Last time I checked dreams were supposed to be the place where you find your friends so you can be together when you're apart.

Dreams used to be on my side. I would have dreams that I loved more than anything and reminded me of things and people that I knew I loved and wanted and WHY I loved and wanted them. I think they'll stop within the next week because I know that soon my life will swing back into balance and I wont have any reason to worry or doubt myself.

I just cant look too deeply into my current dream situation, because I know they're just struggling right now.

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Really Though..

I really did used to be good at this. Well, I don't know if it was called 'good' but I swear even when I was blogging about depressing things at least it was drama that kept some people reading. I don't know why I suck at even keeping a cyber journal. This is a million times easier than writing in a journal because I always get on my computer at night and check my facebook and email and stuff so I don't even have a freaking excuse.


I know my goal was to finish the bulk of my room by the end of June but I have to tell you that I failed. I've failed at being very productive this past month actually. But I don't think I care because I really did work hard this past year, both semesters were busy for me and I'm okay with how lazy I've been.. for now. I just don't want anything to consume my time this month or next. I'm going to be plenty busy in the fall. Plus I got A-'s in both of the classes I took in London so I think a good summer is a nice reward. I just think I'm really good at rationalizing things in my head. If I convince myself that something is a good idea, then I'll go with it and I wont stop. So good thing I'm convinced that I don't need to be busy this summer. But I WILL finish my room this month.

Well I guess life is still happening, my laziness hasn't slowed that down. Even though these past 22 days have felt like an eternity. My parents are officially getting divorced. My mom filed about two weeks before I came home from London and it should be final within a month. So thats been tough. I really don't know how its been so easy on my family to adjust to it. I really don't understand it even because it came out of nowhere. It really hit our family so hard and so unexpectedly. My mom and dad have always been so affectionate with each other and I saw how much they loved each other and they have always been proof to me that love can exist for as long as you believe it can. I still believe in love, I haven't lost doubt in it or anything. I think I'm still just slowly realizing more and more how different life is going to be in 5 years. But we really are all doing okay and even Hayden is handling it well. I really do love that kid, he is a million times stronger and more mature than I ever could have tried to be at his age.

I just started feeling way weird and dizzy. Like I'm watching my hands type this right now and i feel like I'm watching it through a video camera. Whoa. This is seriously like happening live right now. As I type this. Freaking I feel like I'm going to pass out. Okay I think I'm fine now, but I think that was a warning that I need to sleep right now. Sorry this was long, and sorry if this was a boring journal blog.