A Good Day Everyone!

I would have posted this yesterday but I was too tired at the end of the night to even really use my computer much. But everyone just let it be known that Saturday, December 26th 2009, was one of the best days I've had in such a long time. Like, SUCHHHH a long freaking time. (Up until like 2 in the morning, but that technically was the 27th so it doesn't count) I just thought I would declare to anyone reading these things that I don't have depressing days every single day. Hahaha you're all amazing and I hope you are all happy.

Ctrmsahmis!

Well today was Christmas. If you would like to take a moment and read the blog I posted a year ago today, I mean, you can. If you do, you'll be very confused. Because last Christmas I kept saying sad things that it was my last Christmas for two years and it was just perfect and so sad blah. Well yeah, you will obviously see that I am still around wont you. Because of that, it was a strange Christmas for me.

I kept telling my parents I didn't want much for Christmas because I wasn't even supposed to be here technically. They were nice and were like ohhh yes you are supposed to be here. Its perfect its wonderful its fine... Meh, I dont know. The stigma of being 19 and Utah and males is you should be on a mission. These next couple of years are going to be tough. Some people really will look down on me for not being on a mission, and that will suck. But anyways. CHRISTMAS! Yes. It was great.

It was also weird because my older brother Logan is in a wilderness therapy type of rehab place down in Phoenix until the 7th of January and so he was gone. We missed him, so that was sad. But he's doing so well and we're all glad he's getting help.

Reagan had to spend Christmas in Washington with her husbands family and that sucked. I love Reagan so freaking much and I hated not getting to see her. But we're going on a road trip to pick up Logan so PARTYYYYY!

I love you guys. I love reading your blogs and I love you for reading my blog. Stay safe while you're out of school, and I hope you all had a good Christmas.

Cry Fest

I'm aware that my last post is all about me staying happy, I'm doing an okay job, but you know, I think the issue is I'm too emotional of a person to be happy all the time. So when I go on a happy streak, I have a break down. There has to be some sort of regulation as to my emotional balances. Because I'm getting annoyed.

Well it happened like this you see. I was on a walk. Already in just like, having a sad mood because I keep thinking about the same stupid things that always bother me, and so yeah I went on a walk to help me feel better because it usually does. And then Heartstrings started playing and iiiii just flat out started crying. Like, uncontrollable hahaha I had my headphones in and so i couldnt hear that stupid noise that you make when you cry. Luckily. I really hate that sound. The sound of when IM crying at least haha. Well I kept on walking and kept on crying and then I calmed down, got a phone call that was probably the best Christmas miracle ever. Cried a happier cry for a while. Calmed down. Went inside. And was fine for a little while longer.

I went to a movie with my little brother and his girlfriend and it was good and I figured that I was done for the night. After I dropped them both off, I was driving, a sad song came on, I thought of the things again. And broke down. hahaha I'm not kidding. Brokeee down. I rarely go on fits where I lose it, but I did. And I could not stop. I wish I could move on with my life. But I dont want to move on, and I dont know how to. So i feel like im doing this to myself and deep down I dont really care that I'm always sad about this. I dont know. Listening to myself cry was so stupid. I hate that sound. So dumb.

Just Realized

It took me a long time, but I've finally done it. Well, for the time being I've done it. But hopefully I remember that what I am thinking right at this very second is true, and that there are NO variables that come into conflict with this.

I am in control of my life. I decide what influences me and it is my decision on how I respond to certain situations. I can get hit with something and guide it in a direction that will most easily make me happy. I know this seems way too common knowledge but I'm the type of person that needs to feel sad for a minute. I need to feel sorry for myself and just be sad about every dumb thing that affects me emotionally. I can decide where I go from here and guess freaking what.

I'm changing my life and I'm determined to make things better for me. I know I'll still hit rough patches but what good is it doing for me to just sit around and do nothing about my lack of happiness? I can make my own happiness. I am very determined to do better and I think this is the only way I will slowly but surely heal my depression. Who needs a therapist right? All you need is like 9 months of trying to figure it out.

June

I did a stupid thing tonight. I do stupid things every night though. I was having a pretty bad day all day and I knew it was going to get worse tonight but I decided to be an idiot and make it even worse and harder for me. I'm starting to think that I actually enjoy being depressed. There's no other explanation for why I cant just stop. The stupid thing I did was remind myself of the past. from like, march to june specifically. I'm sorry that this really is what this blog has turned into. I have no other outlet and I might as well document how I'm really feeling.

June was the last time I was not depressed... Thats seriously messed up for me to think about that. There's been some good times between right now and June, but every single day I hit a point. A point that sends my mind into an explosion of... me... I guess. I just start to think and remember and ugh. Every single day it happens, I'm not lying.

June just was honestly perfect. I can not think of one negative thing about it other than the fact that it was the beginning of the end. So slowly things started declining in June and I didn't even see it coming. I was so sure that everything would stay perfect and I had nothing to worry about. By the time June ended, I knew things were going back to the way things were. My life hasn't even necessarily been bad. Like, I have amazing friends and family and I really shouldn't have as much to complain about as I do. But what I lost in June was something that I don't know how or when I'll find again. I want it back.